Raising Parents

All was quiet on the 2-year-old front. The group of active, squirming toddlers seated in a wobbly circle waited eagerly, each looking forward to his or her turn to put their circular cardboard name tags up on the flannel board which the teacher was holding.

It was a moment of reckoning for Z and me. For the past 3 months in playgroup, my ever-determined son had steadfastly refused to follow the other children's leading to put his cardboard circle on the board. His highly anxious Mummy (i.e. me), eager to please and be a good student in class, had been the one to nervously take the circle from his teacher and put it on the board for him instead, when my little one refused to cooperate after a few awkward minutes of silence and gentle urging from his teachers.

I was, truth be told, very exasperated by this time and wondering whether it was because Z did not know how to do this simple task, or he was simply refusing to be told what to do, in the way that teenagers often do the complete opposite of what they are told. It may sound ridiculous, but I even had his grandparents praying this week that their only grandson would cooperate and finally be able to carry out the task in question. So high were the stakes on this week's performance (or so it seemed, from my perspective).

It had been a difficult playgroup session the week before. Despite having had a full 12-hour night's rest, Z had somehow decided to be difficult from start to finish, refusing to participate in the Easter craft activities, emptying his cup of water on himself and the table during snack time, and pulling a few of his classmates' hair, having led to some unpleasant remarks from their offended parents. That afternoon, I hung my head in shame and frustration as I walked home with Z, wondering if perhaps he was not ready for school yet.

It appears that the lowest of times for parents can often turn out to be the best soul-searching times for us. I spent the rest of the week moaning about the whole matter to my sweet hubby and patient parents. God must have known how much I could take, because He sent along our good friends Edwin and Christine, who were such an encouragement to us that Good Friday evening. Christine, a mother of 3 girls, the oldest 7, shared with us her own journey as a mother, and how she had reached the point of knowing that God's strength is made perfect in weakness. She also shared a wonderful verse from Isaiah 54:13, "All your children will be taught by the LORD, and great will be their peace." She told us that she could see that Z was a passionate boy, who experienced the whole of life with an intensity of emotion, whether happy or angry or sad. God used Christine to remind me of what was truly important - that we bring up our children to know God.

As I continued thinking about the matter, I realised how trivial and ridiculous my expectations of Z had been. It was not so much my worry that he was not developing well socially, but more about how I had been shamed in front of the other mothers and allowed myself to be subjected to the terrible ills of comparison. I had observed other children and allowed myself to compare them with my poor son, something I had sworn never to do, having seen its destructiveness in the lives of other families. I had forgotten that my son was still only a child, growing and developing well in his own time and to the beat of his own unique drum. Most of all, I had forgotten to see my son in the way his Creator sees him - fearfully and wonderfully made, and in His eyes, perfect. I had forgotten to be thankful and grateful for this precious gift I had been given, and to appreciate the wonderful qualities of my little one.

And yes, when I finally relaxed and allowed both Z and myself to enjoy this week's playgroup, my son enthusiastically stuck out his little hand, grabbed his photograph, and placed it on the flannel board with a few taps for good measure. From the look on my face, you'd think he had just gotten a scholarship for an Ivy League college. I was relieved and overjoyed.

Dan B. Allender in his powerful book How Children Raise Parents says,

"Thank God for your children because they are the ones who grow you up into spiritual maturity. Far more than being concerned about how to correct, or convert, or counsel your children, thank God for what your children are teaching you. To the degree that your heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for your children, they will gain the education they most need - the knowledge that they are truly loved, treasured, and delighted in. Only a genuinely thankful parent can invest in his or her children the conviction that they are the focus of unconditional love."
(Allender, Dan B. How Children Raise Parents: The Art of Listening to Your Family. Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook, 2003: 4.)

The main premise of his book is that as modern-day parents we are often so caught up in child-centred activities - the best speech and drama class, the best CCA, the best sleep-training methods, that we as parents are running on empty, having forgotten most importantly to nurture ourselves and to grow our parenthood. We have forgotten that the best gift we can offer our children is the gift of a good parent. And that often, the best way to become a good parent is to allow our children to mould us. They are God's gifts to us.

My dearest Z, even as I write this, I want to always be reminded to be grateful for you - for this dear gift that our Heavenly Father sent to Daddy and me from above, and all His gifts are good and perfect.

Thank you for teaching me what it means to love someone unconditionally. It has been easy to love you when you learn something new or make us laugh. It has been much harder to show love in the times when you are angry and throw tantrums. You have taught me to hold you tight in the face of your anger, and still continue to love you and be present when emotions overwhelm you.

You have increased my assertiveness and taught me how to set clear boundaries. You have taken a scared and timid mother and compelled me to be firm and confident, so that I might be able to train you well in the ways of our Lord. You have helped me to surrender my anxieties to God, remembering that He is the one who takes care of you.

You have reminded me to fear God and not man, during the times when I have worried about whether you are growing well and been so easily tempted to compare myself with other mothers and to compare you with other children.

I am still learning to be the mother God intended, so that you can be the man God has intended you to be. I am constantly reminded that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Through you, I am learning to be more dependent on Him.

Most of all, you are a reminder to me of how I should always be thankful. It is a miracle the way that God has brought you into our lives, and you are a constant reminder of His faithfulness and goodness. I know God intends for each parent and child in a family to be together for a purpose, a combination of special personalities and gifts. I can't wait to see what God has in mind for ours! Thank you for making me a mother and for raising me to be a good one.

Lots of Love,

Mummy

Comments

Malacca with the Kids: March 2015

Malacca has always been our go-to place for a short getaway. Most of the time, it's been without the kids. We love soaking in the ambience of Jonker Street and strolling by the river. Of course, the food never fails to draw us back to this laidback town with its sleepy atmosphere. The facade of Malacca has, however, changed over the years. Imposing mega malls loom over two-storey shophouses. I would probably have not brought the boys along as the streets are narrow and traffic seemingly never ebbing, but when I googled "Malacca for Kids" this time round, there were quite a few options for the kids to enjoy. Of course, the main reason why we decided to go was because we were attending my dearest cousin's wedding dinner. This brings back memories of how my cousins and I used to hang around at Chinese restaurants. We would be so thrilled to be on an actual stage... And our choice of accommodation was largely influenced by the water play area wh...

Setting Up a Finnish School in the Home

The issue of private tuition has again come to the forefront after a senior education official pronounced in parliament that the Singapore education system is "run on the basis that tuition is not necessary". Ms Indranee Rajah, Senior Minister of State for Education, added that schools provide "comprehensive levelling-up programmes" as well as remedial and supplementary classes to support weaker students. In the days that followed, mainstream and social media agencies were abuzz with reports from parents and students alike, many of whom disagreed with Ms Indranee's assessment of the education scene. They argued that private tuition is already a multi-million dollar industry, and that its very existence disputes notions that tuition is unnecessary. From the perspective of an educator in Singapore, I can understand the comments made by the Senior Minister of State, especially since it is the responsibility of the Education Ministry to teach our school childre...

"Monkeying Around": A Review of My Gym Singapore

Our 2/1/2-year old son E has always been an active child. When he was an infant, E would crawl around and get into all sorts of mischief, until one day when he discovered that he could climb on his poor Daddy, in an inspired moment of pretend play - Daddy was his mountain and he was Sir Edmund Hilary - the first person to scale Mt Everest! It was therefore with great excitement that we we heard that Parenting on Purpose had been invited by My Gym Singapore to participate in a series of four classes. We agreed at once; knowing that our little boy would thoroughly enjoy gym class - this was also a chance for our exuberant toddler to work off his energy and hopefully fall fast asleep after getting home. Our little son having a swing of a time at gym class. My Gym has an interesting educational philosophy that emphasises building self esteem in children. This is an excerpt from the company's website: The philosophy that guides My Gym’s programming and bre...

Schooling for Gold: a Parent Reflects on Singapore's First Olympic Gold Medallist

50.39 seconds. The (less than) one minute of time that made history for the small island nation of Singapore. Millions in Singapore and around the world watched as 21-year-old Joseph Schooling defeated his long-time idol and heavily-decorated Olympian Michael Phelps, the man described as "the most-decorated Olympian of all time". Indeed most of the international news footage had been previously focussed on Phelps, given that the American is expected to retire at this year's Rio Olympics. The New York Times even ran an article with the headline: " Somebody (His Name’s Joseph Schooling) Finally Beats Michael Phelps"! For Joseph Schooling, it could not have been a prouder moment, as he not only bagged Singapore's first and only Olympic Gold, it was also a race that proved he had not only matched, but also beaten his childhood idol. Indeed a 2008 photograph of 13-year-old Schooling standing side by side with Michael Phelps has been spreading like wildfire o...

Hong Kong for Kids: Our Dorsett Wanchai Experience

It was only a few months back when we had our lovely holiday experience in Hong Kong. We had then stayed in the Cosmopolitan Hotel, a lovely place located at the northern tip of Hong Kong island, near the world-famous Ocean Park. Most people have asked us why we chose Hong Kong as a destination for our kids given the island's reputation as more of a food and shopping paradise. We shared with them that there is actually more than meets the eye to this territory known affectionately as the "Pearl of the Orient". The view from Stanley, one of our favourite spots in the beautiful city of Hong Kong. Rooms in Hong Kong are small, and we had a hard time looking for a place to stay that could meet the needs of our two very energetic children. We settled for the Cosmopolitan Hotel, given that it was one of the few hotels that had affordable prices for its Family Quad Room, a large room that could accommodate all four of us comfortably. We were pleasantly surprised when we r...

A Safe Space: Adventures in Fostering

Fostering challenges traditional notions of what a family is and what a family should be. At the end of the day, what is your idea of "family"? The younger child seemed a little troubled during bedtime. "Mummy..." he said. "Yes Darling," replied Mummy. "It will be very sad when R has to go home to the tummy mummy and daddy one day." "Yes, Darling. It will be very sad." "But it's all up to God, right?" "Yes it is. You know that R's tummy mummy and daddy can't take care of any child right now? That's why R is with us." "Yes I know. R is with us just for awhile. Not like Kor Kor and I. The four of us are a forever family." "Yes we are. So how will you feel when R goes back to the tummy mummy and daddy?" "It will be sad, but it will be all right." The older child, who was a silent participant in the conversation, decided to speak at th...

The Father I Will Never Be

We recently went on a holiday to Fraser's Hill, one of the less-visited places in Malaysia. For Sue and I, this is a place that is filled with memories. It was, for her, a childhood oasis, a place where her family would visit year after year, and build many precious memories together. It was, for me, a special place where I visited with a band of dear brothers during our university days, and where we set a stake in the ground, to declare that we wanted to surrender all of our days to the glory of God. It was, for Sue and I, the location of our honeymoon, the place where we enjoyed our first few days of marital bliss; the place where we chiselled our marriage covenant and planned for our future as one. This is how I remember Fraser's Hill. Shrouded in mist and somewhat mysterious; a grand legacy of days gone by. I remember my first visit there as a single young man, not yet a quarter of a century old, but yet imbued with the desire to be the best father I could be sho...

The Insecurities of a Homeschooling Dad

Social media can be very deceiving. We scroll through the news feeds of people we know (or of celebrity bloggers and content experts), and assume that they are living perfect lives. With every holiday photo they post, every food picture presented, or every insightful article they write, we slip into social media envy and assume that our friends are enjoying the time of their lives. And many people assume that of me as well. They seem to think that I am living the dream life with a wonderful job and wonderful kids. And when I meet people at my various engagements, I seem to get the nod that I am the model citizen of social media society. A recent holiday in Disneyland. After long queues under the hot sun, we were quite the "model" family! There is some truth to this. At this moment, I can say that there is no other job I would rather do; to be my own boss and to conduct training workshops for others, sometimes with my wife; what more could a man ask for? And my kids? T...

Parenting Your Child for Marriage

It's not often that the Father of the Bride gets to speak at a wedding. Oftentimes, the only words are in response to the question, "Who presents this woman to be married to this man?" In that instance, it is normally a mild-mannered man, one who shuns the attention of the moment, who barely manages to whisper out the refrain, "I do." A precious photo of a very special couple. This was completely not what happened at a wedding I was at almost three weeks ago. In response to that question, the Father of the Bride seemed to have an entire speech prepared for the Groom, "I present to you the key to my daughter's heart, " he declared. "I have protected her heart all her life until this point, and now I am handing over this responsibility to you." And with a firm voice, he presented this solemn reminder: "Remember that you will not be able to do this on your own, but only with God's help, and by spending time with Him daily....

Of Yellow Ribbons & Fathers for Life - the Legacy of Jason Wong

Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree It's been three long years Do ya still want me If I don't see a ribbon 'round the ole oak tree I'll stay on the bus Forget about us Put the blame on me If I don't see a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree The old folk song Tie A Yellow Ribbon is based on a delightful American story that tells of an ex-convict who returns home to his loved one after serving time in prison. Prior to his release, he had requested for her to tie a yellow ribbon around a tree outside of the town where she lived. And if there was no ribbon there, he would simply go on his way, understanding that she might never forgive him. However, when he passed by the tree, there were 100 yellow ribbons, symbolising that his sweetheart had forgiven him, and that he would be welcomed home. Learning to love and accept one another. The popular Yellow Ribbon Project is based on this premise. Founded in 2004 by Senior Prisons Of...

Parenting on Purpose

Search This Blog