Parenting on Purpose

"Do you think B has trauma?" The 11/1/2-year-old chose the long ride home from the Lunar New Year Reunion Dinner to ask this important and quintessential question, which was made in relation to the older foster child.  "Definitely," came the reply from Daddy, as he drove the car. One for the road. Our foster kids for the season as they join us on a ride of a lifetime. "What exactly is trauma?" came the follow up question; and Daddy all but took a deep breath, before he launched into the following reply. "Trauma is when the body remembers something painful that happened in the past; when it responds in a way similar to how it did in the past, even though the event is no longer happening. So take for example someone in the past used a knife to threaten you and you responded in fear. And because you were young, your brain blocked out this painful memory in a bid to protect you. So even now when you see a knife, your body starts to tremble in a similar wa...

It is said that time heals all wounds. Well, what's not said is that much of what we remember is so closely associated with our emotions; after all, our emotions are strongly etched in our memories when there is an intensive firing of the neurons in the brain; and all of this leaves a deep imprint of the intense feelings associated with an event. In fostering, there are so many emotions involved, and as such we remember so many of the incidents. And these memories will stay with us long after the children are gone. What triggered the current surge in emotions is the end of what I have termed as the "Noah's Ark" Covid restrictions, the rules that stipulate that we need to dine out only in groups of two. It has almost been two months since the start of this round of restrictions, and I remember that the start of the lockdown almost coincided with the departure of our last foster child K. I remember that we had to cancel most of his farewell plans because at that time, a...

The almost 4-year-old stamped his feet and pouted; his face scrunched up in deep agony. And it seemed that nothing we said would do. K was headed towards a full-blown tantrum and we dreaded to think how long it would take to calm him down. It was at that moment that our almost 9-year-old chose to ask the question, "K, a re you crying because you don't want to leave us?" The little boy stopped his pouting, as he nodded and sobbed. It was a heart-wrenching flow of tears as he clung onto Mummy with koala-like tenacity. Sue later described it as a "desperate pleading look". K would repeat his sobbing and his hugging over the next few days. And as he articulated to us after he was calm, it was a desperate plea for help.  "I don't want to leave Mummy and Daddy.  I want to stay here.   " Taken at the River Safari on one of the last days before K's departure. "Take a photo of me with the turtles, Mummy!" he kept asking, at each turtle exhibit...

The 3/1/2-year-old sauntered confidently to me, a new T-shirt and shorts in his hands. "Daddy," he said, "Look. Correct side." I glanced at the print and design on the front of his shirt, one he had chosen for himself from his chest of drawers. "Yes K," I said with a smile. "It's the correct side. Good job!" Then I patted him on his shoulder and beamed at him. "Well done. I'm glad you now know how to wear your shirt the right way round." And the little boy's face broke out into a brilliant smile as he nodded his head sagely. He then picked up his dirty clothes, and made his way to the laundry basket, dumping the clothes in them as he merrily made his way out of the room. It's been 15 months since little K joined our family. Life has been a bumpy ride, but there are moments of joy. I never believed this day would arrive. Just a few weeks back our foster kid was happily wearing everything the wrong way round - shirt, short...

It is not easy to be a parent today. The world as we know it has changed before our very eyes with the advent of the millennium and the rapid technological advances that have materialised subsequently. But there are parenting principles that hold true. These are 10 parenting principles I hold close to my heart: Parenting these two boys is such a delight! This picture is a representation of their zest for life and intensity of being. 1) Recognise that every child is a gift from God. Love them for who they are not what they are. 2) Treasure every moment with them, both big and small. Surprise them with fun experiences and build memories that last a lifetime. 3) Treat every child equally. You may love them in different ways due to their different love languages, but at the end each child must know you love them with all of your heart. 4) Recognise that every child has his own strengths and weaknesses. Build on his strengths, and guide him to manage his weaknesses. 5) Love their mum. It...

The 3-year-old grinned brilliantly at me, a picture of complete bliss. In one hand he held a half-eaten char siew bao. And as I looked at what he had in the other hand, I realised it was another char siew bao , also punctured with little bite-marks.  "Tada!" he proclaimed, obviously feeling triumphant at what he had managed to accomplish. The look in my eyes transformed at once from curiosity to exasperation. "K! What are you doing! Why are you eating in this way! Why can't you eat one thing at a time!" And my frustration increased a notch when I learnt that he had already eaten one other bun, and this meant that he had singlehandedly finished all three of the buns that were meant as a snack for all three of my kids! Our little foster boy gets along well with our other kids. As the youngest in our household, he is always trying to fit in and play with his Kor Kors.  This was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was the culmination of one week of behavio...