Skip to main content

Remembering Our Children - Memories in Fostering

It is said that time heals all wounds. Well, what's not said is that much of what we remember is so closely associated with our emotions; after all, our emotions are strongly etched in our memories when there is an intensive firing of the neurons in the brain; and all of this leaves a deep imprint of the intense feelings associated with an event. In fostering, there are so many emotions involved, and as such we remember so many of the incidents. And these memories will stay with us long after the children are gone.

What triggered the current surge in emotions is the end of what I have termed as the "Noah's Ark" Covid restrictions, the rules that stipulate that we need to dine out only in groups of two. It has almost been two months since the start of this round of restrictions, and I remember that the start of the lockdown almost coincided with the departure of our last foster child K. I remember that we had to cancel most of his farewell plans because at that time, all dining out had ceased and we were only permitted to go out in groups of two.

One of our farewell treats for little K on his last day before leaving us.

I remember all our children. Little K, who stayed with us from the ages of 2/1/2 to 4 years. J, his brother, who was with us from the age of 2/1/2 to 3 years. 5-year-old C, who stayed with us for a brief two weeks. And our first foster child R, who was with us from two to 13 months. 

K is foremost in my memory as he was with us until most recently. I remember most the evenings when I would cook for him while the rest of the family was out for various classes or activities. He would be dropped off by his driver after childcare, and predictably ask me what I had cooked for dinner. Then he would eagerly sit at the table while I got the food ready, and finish off whatever I had prepared. He was most fond of chicken rice and any dish with rice. Then after dinner I would let him play with his toys independently, before reading to him and getting him to wash up and then to sleep. 

It was not an easy 1/1/2 years with K, as he was largely dealing with the past trauma associated with the transition leading up to fostering. Yet during his time with us he had grown more confident and more independent, and in the last couple of weeks before he left we could tell that he was genuinely happy to be with the family, enjoying time with the older boys and playing with his toys together with them. He also loved his outings with us to the park or to the zoo, and was always happy to be running around at his favourite playgrounds and playing with sand at the beach. 

Celebrating K's birthday. Sue's mum made a delightful Octonauts cake for him, upon his request.

My memories of J have always been associated with eating. This was a boy, who at 2/1/2, could eat far more than either of my other kids at the ages of 10 and 8! He would sit at the table, and wolf down whatever that came his way. I will always remember one of my first outings with both J and K, when I took both of them to the park with the other two kids. So it was four boys alone with me. I figured out that was probably the best way to occupy the time, especially since Sue was attending an important class and I needed to care for all of them alone. And I was right; all of us had a good time, even though there were moments when both foster kids chose to run off in opposite directions. Thankfully the older boys were helping me care for the younger kids, but it was still quite an experience!

Our younger son reading to J & K before bedtime. Over the four years of fostering, our boys have been our support and our help. We are so proud of them!

While K was the child who was happy to run around and get his hands dirty, J was the opposite. He was content just to sit at the bench with me and read - everything from zoo maps to upside down picture books. And he was ever the scholar, looking at you with his learned eyes, even as he attempted to talk about something that he had learnt in childcare.

Our time as a family of 6. This was life with J & K, lived on a day-to-day basis.

5-year-old C stayed with us for only two weeks, during the time when his foster mum had to tend to a personal emergency. I remember how he enjoyed playing with the other two boys. But that two week period was so hard for all of us - especially since C misbehaved at every possible instance; and we found out later that the reason for his misbehaviour was that he had hoped that we would be unable to manage him, and send him back to the foster mum whom he loved. Thankfully we were able to acknowledge these difficult emotions, and his behaviour seemed to improve somewhat slightly afterwards. And while his time with us was short, our kids still mention his name occasionally, especially when talking about all our foster children. Our older son has also written his name on the chart he put up on the wall, one which lists all our foster children.

C came to us during Sue's birthday week, and turned our life upside down. But if you peel away the layers of bad behaviour, you would only see a scared child, longing for the love of his foster mum.

Little R has always been close to our hearts. She was the baby I practically sang to sleep almost every night. Those were the days when Sue and I were training her to sleep through the night, and Sue would leave the room to allow me to put her to bed. I practically sang all the bedtime lullabies each night, until she finally went to bed. This was my "Edelweiss", the resilient girl who knew exactly what she wanted; and she would indicate to us what she needed even at the tender age of 13-months. One can only imagine what she would be like today; likely as feisty as when she was a baby, telling us what to do and seeking comfort through the songs we sing.

There will always be something about the first foster child. This girl stole our hearts, and the hearts of all whom she met. We will always love her.

This was our last trip to Malaysia with little R. This girl loved to travel, and to explore; and she lived life with a passion. 

It has been four crazy years since we first started fostering, and the experience has truly been a roller-coaster of a ride; complete with all sorts of emotions, both happy and sad. For our family, we know that fostering has changed the way we experience life forever. We will no longer look at a vulnerable child in the same way again; nor would we consider the family members of these children with eyes of apathy. All of us struggle through life and we each have our individual trials to deal with. When we can approach another person with understanding and love, and consider them as imperfect people just like ourselves, it's only then that society can begin to mend its fractures, and only then that the world can become a slightly brighter place to live in.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Malacca with the Kids: March 2015

Malacca has always been our go-to place for a short getaway. Most of the time, it's been without the kids. We love soaking in the ambience of Jonker Street and strolling by the river. Of course, the food never fails to draw us back to this laidback town with its sleepy atmosphere. The facade of Malacca has, however, changed over the years. Imposing mega malls loom over two-storey shophouses. I would probably have not brought the boys along as the streets are narrow and traffic seemingly never ebbing, but when I googled "Malacca for Kids" this time round, there were quite a few options for the kids to enjoy. Of course, the main reason why we decided to go was because we were attending my dearest  cousin's wedding dinner. This brings back memories of how my cousins and I used to hang around at Chinese restaurants. We would be so thrilled to be on an actual stage... And our choice of accommodation was largely influenced by the water play area which our hot

Setting Up a Finnish School in the Home

The issue of private tuition has again come to the forefront after a senior education official pronounced in parliament that the Singapore education system is "run on the basis that tuition is not necessary". Ms Indranee Rajah, Senior Minister of State for Education, added that schools provide "comprehensive levelling-up programmes" as well as remedial and supplementary classes to support weaker students. In the days that followed, mainstream and social media agencies were abuzz with reports from parents and students alike, many of whom disagreed with Ms Indranee's assessment of the education scene. They argued that private tuition is already a multi-million dollar industry, and that its very existence disputes notions that tuition is unnecessary. From the perspective of an educator in Singapore, I can understand the comments made by the Senior Minister of State, especially since it is the responsibility of the Education Ministry to teach our school childre

"Monkeying Around": A Review of My Gym Singapore

Our 2/1/2-year old son E has always been an active child. When he was an infant, E would crawl around and get into all sorts of mischief, until one day when he discovered that he could climb on  his poor Daddy, in an inspired moment of pretend play - Daddy was his mountain and he was Sir Edmund Hilary - the first person to scale Mt Everest! It was therefore with great excitement that we we heard that Parenting on Purpose had been invited by My Gym Singapore  to participate in a series of four classes. We agreed at once; knowing that our little boy would thoroughly enjoy gym class - this was also a chance for our exuberant toddler to work off his energy and hopefully fall fast asleep after getting home. Our little son having a swing of a time at gym class.  My Gym  has an interesting educational philosophy that emphasises building self esteem in children. This is an excerpt from the company's website: The philosophy that guides My Gym’s programming and breakdown for clas

Schooling for Gold: a Parent Reflects on Singapore's First Olympic Gold Medallist

50.39 seconds. The (less than) one minute of time that made history for the small island nation of Singapore. Millions in Singapore and around the world watched as 21-year-old Joseph Schooling defeated his long-time idol and heavily-decorated Olympian Michael Phelps, the man described as "the most-decorated Olympian of all time". Indeed most of the international news footage had been previously focussed on Phelps, given that the American is expected to retire at this year's Rio Olympics. The New York Times even ran an article with the headline: " Somebody (His Name’s Joseph Schooling) Finally Beats Michael Phelps"! For Joseph Schooling, it could not have been a prouder moment, as he not only bagged Singapore's first and only Olympic Gold, it was also a race that proved he had not only matched, but also beaten his childhood idol. Indeed a 2008 photograph of 13-year-old Schooling standing side by side with Michael Phelps has been spreading like wildfire o

Hong Kong for Kids: Our Dorsett Wanchai Experience

It was only a few months back when we had our lovely holiday experience in Hong Kong. We had then stayed in the Cosmopolitan Hotel, a lovely place located at the northern tip of Hong Kong island, near the world-famous Ocean Park. Most people have asked us why we chose Hong Kong as a destination for our kids given the island's reputation as more of a food and shopping paradise. We shared with them that there is actually more than meets the eye to this territory known affectionately as the "Pearl of the Orient".  The view from Stanley, one of our favourite spots in the beautiful city of Hong Kong. Rooms in Hong Kong are small, and we had a hard time looking for a place to stay that could meet the needs of our two very energetic children. We settled for the Cosmopolitan Hotel, given that it was one of the few hotels that had affordable prices for its Family Quad Room, a large room that could accommodate all four of us comfortably. We were pleasantly surprised when we r

A Safe Space: Adventures in Fostering

Fostering challenges traditional notions of what a family is and what a family should be. At the end of the day, what is your idea of "family"? The younger child seemed a little troubled during bedtime. "Mummy..." he said. "Yes Darling," replied Mummy. "It will be very sad when R has to go home to the tummy mummy and daddy one day."  "Yes, Darling. It will be very sad." "But it's all up to God, right?" "Yes it is. You know that R's tummy mummy and daddy can't take care of any child right now? That's why R is with us." "Yes I know. R is with us just for awhile. Not like Kor Kor and I. The four of us are a forever family." "Yes we are. So how will you feel when R goes back to the tummy mummy and daddy?" "It will be sad, but it will be all right." The older child, who was a silent participant in the conversation, decided to speak at th

The Father I Will Never Be

We recently went on a holiday to Fraser's Hill, one of the less-visited places in Malaysia. For Sue and I, this is a place that is filled with memories. It was, for her, a childhood oasis, a place where her family would visit year after year, and build many precious memories together. It was, for me, a special place where I visited with a band of dear brothers during our university days, and where we set a stake in the ground, to declare that we wanted to surrender all of our days to the glory of God. It was, for Sue and I, the location of our honeymoon, the place where we enjoyed our first few days of marital bliss; the place where we chiselled our marriage covenant and planned for our future as one.  This is how I remember Fraser's Hill. Shrouded in mist and somewhat mysterious; a grand legacy of days gone by. I remember my first visit there as a single young man, not yet a quarter of a century old, but yet imbued with the desire to be the best father I could be sho

The Insecurities of a Homeschooling Dad

Social media can be very deceiving. We scroll through the news feeds of people we know (or of celebrity bloggers and content experts), and assume that they are living perfect lives. With every holiday photo they post, every food picture presented, or every insightful article they write, we slip into social media envy and  assume that our friends are enjoying the time of their lives. And many people assume that of me as well. They seem to think that I am living the dream life with a wonderful job and wonderful kids. And when I meet people at my various engagements, I seem to get the nod that I am the model citizen of social media society.  A recent holiday in Disneyland. After long queues under the hot sun, we were quite the "model" family! There is some truth to this. At this moment, I can say that there is no other job I would rather do; to be my own boss and to conduct training workshops for others, sometimes with my wife; what more could a man ask for? And my kids? T

Parenting Your Child for Marriage

It's not often that the Father of the Bride gets to speak at a wedding. Oftentimes, the only words are in response to the question, "Who presents this woman to be married to this man?" In that instance, it is normally a mild-mannered man, one who shuns the attention of the moment, who barely manages to whisper out the refrain, "I do."  A precious photo of a very special couple.  This was completely not what happened at a wedding I was at almost three weeks ago. In response to that question, the Father of the Bride seemed to have an entire speech prepared for the Groom, "I present to you the key to my daughter's heart, " he declared. "I have protected her heart all her life until this point, and now I am handing over this responsibility to you." And with a firm voice, he presented this solemn reminder: "Remember that you will not be able to do this on your own, but only with God's help, and by spending time with Him daily.&

Running the Race of Shame

Every muscle in my body protested. Every inner voice in my being screamed from the recesses within. "Don't do it!" they yelled.   "You will make a fool of yourself!" they taunted. "Why are you so stupid? Why do you want to prove to the whole world how stupid you are?" "You know that you are a colossal failure. Now you want everyone in the world to see what a loser you are?" It was deafening deep within. But I did what I could to ignore the deep shame and hurt that I felt from within. The voices of shame can be deafening even in the presence of an external quietness. "The next event will be the Parents' Race. Will  Mark Lim please proceed to the reporting area?" This was it. There would be no turning back now.  So I dragged myself to the starting line, and mingled with the other homeschool dads who all looked eager to race. "I haven't done any running since I was in National Service," I remark