Remembering Our Children - Memories in Fostering

It is said that time heals all wounds. Well, what's not said is that much of what we remember is so closely associated with our emotions; after all, our emotions are strongly etched in our memories when there is an intensive firing of the neurons in the brain; and all of this leaves a deep imprint of the intense feelings associated with an event. In fostering, there are so many emotions involved, and as such we remember so many of the incidents. And these memories will stay with us long after the children are gone.

What triggered the current surge in emotions is the end of what I have termed as the "Noah's Ark" Covid restrictions, the rules that stipulate that we need to dine out only in groups of two. It has almost been two months since the start of this round of restrictions, and I remember that the start of the lockdown almost coincided with the departure of our last foster child K. I remember that we had to cancel most of his farewell plans because at that time, all dining out had ceased and we were only permitted to go out in groups of two.

One of our farewell treats for little K on his last day before leaving us.

I remember all our children. Little K, who stayed with us from the ages of 2/1/2 to 4 years. J, his brother, who was with us from the age of 2/1/2 to 3 years. 5-year-old C, who stayed with us for a brief two weeks. And our first foster child R, who was with us from two to 13 months. 

K is foremost in my memory as he was with us until most recently. I remember most the evenings when I would cook for him while the rest of the family was out for various classes or activities. He would be dropped off by his driver after childcare, and predictably ask me what I had cooked for dinner. Then he would eagerly sit at the table while I got the food ready, and finish off whatever I had prepared. He was most fond of chicken rice and any dish with rice. Then after dinner I would let him play with his toys independently, before reading to him and getting him to wash up and then to sleep. 

It was not an easy 1/1/2 years with K, as he was largely dealing with the past trauma associated with the transition leading up to fostering. Yet during his time with us he had grown more confident and more independent, and in the last couple of weeks before he left we could tell that he was genuinely happy to be with the family, enjoying time with the older boys and playing with his toys together with them. He also loved his outings with us to the park or to the zoo, and was always happy to be running around at his favourite playgrounds and playing with sand at the beach. 

Celebrating K's birthday. Sue's mum made a delightful Octonauts cake for him, upon his request.

My memories of J have always been associated with eating. This was a boy, who at 2/1/2, could eat far more than either of my other kids at the ages of 10 and 8! He would sit at the table, and wolf down whatever that came his way. I will always remember one of my first outings with both J and K, when I took both of them to the park with the other two kids. So it was four boys alone with me. I figured out that was probably the best way to occupy the time, especially since Sue was attending an important class and I needed to care for all of them alone. And I was right; all of us had a good time, even though there were moments when both foster kids chose to run off in opposite directions. Thankfully the older boys were helping me care for the younger kids, but it was still quite an experience!

Our younger son reading to J & K before bedtime. Over the four years of fostering, our boys have been our support and our help. We are so proud of them!

While K was the child who was happy to run around and get his hands dirty, J was the opposite. He was content just to sit at the bench with me and read - everything from zoo maps to upside down picture books. And he was ever the scholar, looking at you with his learned eyes, even as he attempted to talk about something that he had learnt in childcare.

Our time as a family of 6. This was life with J & K, lived on a day-to-day basis.

5-year-old C stayed with us for only two weeks, during the time when his foster mum had to tend to a personal emergency. I remember how he enjoyed playing with the other two boys. But that two week period was so hard for all of us - especially since C misbehaved at every possible instance; and we found out later that the reason for his misbehaviour was that he had hoped that we would be unable to manage him, and send him back to the foster mum whom he loved. Thankfully we were able to acknowledge these difficult emotions, and his behaviour seemed to improve somewhat slightly afterwards. And while his time with us was short, our kids still mention his name occasionally, especially when talking about all our foster children. Our older son has also written his name on the chart he put up on the wall, one which lists all our foster children.

C came to us during Sue's birthday week, and turned our life upside down. But if you peel away the layers of bad behaviour, you would only see a scared child, longing for the love of his foster mum.

Little R has always been close to our hearts. She was the baby I practically sang to sleep almost every night. Those were the days when Sue and I were training her to sleep through the night, and Sue would leave the room to allow me to put her to bed. I practically sang all the bedtime lullabies each night, until she finally went to bed. This was my "Edelweiss", the resilient girl who knew exactly what she wanted; and she would indicate to us what she needed even at the tender age of 13-months. One can only imagine what she would be like today; likely as feisty as when she was a baby, telling us what to do and seeking comfort through the songs we sing.

There will always be something about the first foster child. This girl stole our hearts, and the hearts of all whom she met. We will always love her.

This was our last trip to Malaysia with little R. This girl loved to travel, and to explore; and she lived life with a passion. 

It has been four crazy years since we first started fostering, and the experience has truly been a roller-coaster of a ride; complete with all sorts of emotions, both happy and sad. For our family, we know that fostering has changed the way we experience life forever. We will no longer look at a vulnerable child in the same way again; nor would we consider the family members of these children with eyes of apathy. All of us struggle through life and we each have our individual trials to deal with. When we can approach another person with understanding and love, and consider them as imperfect people just like ourselves, it's only then that society can begin to mend its fractures, and only then that the world can become a slightly brighter place to live in.