Skip to main content

"'Ummy" & What It Means: The Mystery of Motherhood

Recently, our home has been filled with cries for "'Ummy! 'Ummy!" It's what I hear first thing in the morning from Z's room as he stirs, and one of the last things I hear before bedtime. Each time, it melts my heart. 

He started out by calling me "Mine" - "Mummy" is harder to pronounce as it is two syllables long. I also thought it was kind of sweet, a sort of claiming and proclaiming that I belonged to him... he then moved on to "My Mee", an abbreviation of "My Mummy". I thought that was endearing too. Perhaps "'Ummy" will finally evolve to the proper word "Mummy", but till then, I shall enjoy this current phase.

My beginnings as a mother were rocky. We waited a long time to become parents. It was something I always dreamed of and imagined, but when the day finally came, in truth, it felt rather strange - almost as if someone had come along and taken over my old identity. I remember the first time I went out with Z to the playground downstairs. I recall wondering, how are others seeing me now, with this little one in my arms? Certainly, others would pay more attention now that I had a cute little baby with me, whether it was to congratulate me, ask questions or to give advice. I was not used to all the attention and felt rather self-conscious.

I think it has taken two years for me to really own the title of "Mummy". Contrary to what people think, I do not think it happens overnight, the moment you look at the newborn baby in your arms. 

I was encouraged by a precious sister Ming Ming to read "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. As we shared our struggles as stay-at-home-mums, she said that reading the book really helped her to define her role as a mum and to find meaning in the mundane things that she does from day-to-day. I must say, it is one of those rare life-changing books that have really helped me to understand my role better and given me renewed hope and purpose for what I do with our two boys.

What it has really reminded me of: the importance of an undivided heart, the role of a discipling mother in teaching, training and guarding our children, and the enjoyable task of a mother in being a gardener of our children's souls.

Our hearts are so easily divided, scattered due to the many things that occupy each day. I have felt particularly torn in the times I go to work and leave my babies in the care of their loving grandparents. I have found myself sitting in the taxi which takes me further and further away from them, anxious for their well-being, seeing their forlorn faces as they said goodbye in the morning. I am learning this important truth, shared by someone wise. She said, "When you spend time with the kids, give thanks... and when you are at work, also give thanks." 

A heart that is divided is useful to no one, but a heart that learns to be thankful and rested no matter the circumstance is one that will be strong and effective in tending to those in its care. It also helps me to see motherhood as one of the most important roles that I have been given, far outweighing career prospects and what I can achieve outside the home. Some may disagree, but I believe that if I have failed as a wife and mother, then I have not been a good steward of the precious gifts God has given to me. Everything else is secondary. This does not mean that mothers should not work, but our key responsibility is to be there for our children.  

What does this mean for our role as mothers? After all, we take on so many responsibilities in our children's lives: we are our children's teachers, nurses, nannies, paramedics, cleaners, mentors and so much more. Sally Clarkson talks about the servant mother, the discipling mother, the teaching mother, the mother as a strong friend, gardener of souls, keeper of the domain, and the creative, ministering and faithful mother. Phew!

One of the roles that really struck me was that of the discipling mother. We have a role to "be with" our children as Jesus did with his apostles, spending time with them and teaching them righteousness. For those of us who are Christians, we have a role in teaching them values and how to understand the Word of God. We are also trainers - "Training is the practical application of a learned truth to actual life." (The Mission of Motherhood, 2003: 90) How difficult discipline is! It certainly has not come naturally to me. There are many times I'd rather cave in, it seems easier to let Z get his own way. However, the eventual fruits of discipline are sweet to the taste! The sense of pride we feel when Z packs up every single block on the floor without being told to; when he finally decided to eat with a spoon after months of preferring to feel the food with his hands; when he decides to give his brother a big kiss instead of a poke, then I know we should continue to persevere on.

The other role I really enjoyed reading about was the mother's role in cultivating and enriching our children's lives. She encourages us to teach them real skills, be it cooking, hospitality, sports or finance, whatever legacy of skills each family possesses. She also encourages a variety of enriching life experiences. My heart leapt when I read of the road trips her family went on and the value of time spent together in family travel. We are already planning our first trip with our second son E in December to Taiwan, and have cherished each opportunity to take Z to see the world thus far. Family trips are rare opportunities for bonding and discipling our children in the areas we feel they need to work on! 

I grew excited when she talked about grooming our children to be polite and gracious individuals, something both Mark and I feel strongly about. Also to expose them to whatever is excellent, be it in the fields of music, literature, art or even quality toys, within our means, so that our children develop a sense of good taste and a good work ethic. Z recently got excited about a 15th Anniversary CD by Music for Little People and has been bopping to the tune of "Yellow Submarine"! We are rather amused.

It is a rare Saturday morning. A cool drizzle has arrived, serving to dissipate the relentless heat of the past few months. I lie cuddled with my 2-month-old, observing the pitter-patter of the falling rain. He chuckles in delight as a broad smile spreads across his chubby face. Outside, I can hear Daddy and son bantering as they read a book together. Our 2-year-old is delighted to spend precious time together with his Daddy. 

I realise once again how blessed I am. Above all, being a mother is a privilege and an honour, and my children are God's precious gifts to me. Despite all our imperfections, we must realise that we are the people whom God has decided would be the best mothers for each of our children. With that calling in mind, motherhood seems somewhat less mysterious and more of an essential core of our identity, who He has made us to be.

Comments

  1. I've been feeling discouraged as a stay home mum, Sue. I've been doing my best caring for the kids, teaching them, not burdening my extended family and still I get criticised for not spending enough time with/ doing enough for the extended family. The extended family wanted me to return to work but offered no help in terms of childcare. I dont know... it's just a little tiring and discouraging these days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear El, sorry for taking so long to reply, and thanks so much for sharing your heart. It sounds like you've truly been doing your best for your children, after all, they are the main reason you've decided to stay at home, and I'm sure they have benefited greatly from the precious time you've given them :).

      Being a stay-at-home mum is not easy in a pressure cooker society where women are expected to work and manage the house. It has certainly been a journey of ups and downs for me too, and it can be tiring, challenging and lonely at times. There are many days when I am tired and discouraged too.

      Sounds like the expectations on you are great. Have you shared how you feel with your husband? You really do need his support and encouragement to get through these difficult times and to work out the issues with your extended family together as a couple. I know it's not easy - you have my fullest respect for the decision you've made.

      Know that the littlest moments we put into our children's lives may seem insignificant, but each of them has a significant impact on who they are and who they are becoming. Take care, praying for you :)

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Malacca with the Kids: March 2015

Malacca has always been our go-to place for a short getaway. Most of the time, it's been without the kids. We love soaking in the ambience of Jonker Street and strolling by the river. Of course, the food never fails to draw us back to this laidback town with its sleepy atmosphere. The facade of Malacca has, however, changed over the years. Imposing mega malls loom over two-storey shophouses. I would probably have not brought the boys along as the streets are narrow and traffic seemingly never ebbing, but when I googled "Malacca for Kids" this time round, there were quite a few options for the kids to enjoy. Of course, the main reason why we decided to go was because we were attending my dearest  cousin's wedding dinner. This brings back memories of how my cousins and I used to hang around at Chinese restaurants. We would be so thrilled to be on an actual stage... And our choice of accommodation was largely influenced by the water play area wh...

Setting Up a Finnish School in the Home

The issue of private tuition has again come to the forefront after a senior education official pronounced in parliament that the Singapore education system is "run on the basis that tuition is not necessary". Ms Indranee Rajah, Senior Minister of State for Education, added that schools provide "comprehensive levelling-up programmes" as well as remedial and supplementary classes to support weaker students. In the days that followed, mainstream and social media agencies were abuzz with reports from parents and students alike, many of whom disagreed with Ms Indranee's assessment of the education scene. They argued that private tuition is already a multi-million dollar industry, and that its very existence disputes notions that tuition is unnecessary. From the perspective of an educator in Singapore, I can understand the comments made by the Senior Minister of State, especially since it is the responsibility of the Education Ministry to teach our school childre...

"Monkeying Around": A Review of My Gym Singapore

Our 2/1/2-year old son E has always been an active child. When he was an infant, E would crawl around and get into all sorts of mischief, until one day when he discovered that he could climb on  his poor Daddy, in an inspired moment of pretend play - Daddy was his mountain and he was Sir Edmund Hilary - the first person to scale Mt Everest! It was therefore with great excitement that we we heard that Parenting on Purpose had been invited by My Gym Singapore  to participate in a series of four classes. We agreed at once; knowing that our little boy would thoroughly enjoy gym class - this was also a chance for our exuberant toddler to work off his energy and hopefully fall fast asleep after getting home. Our little son having a swing of a time at gym class.  My Gym  has an interesting educational philosophy that emphasises building self esteem in children. This is an excerpt from the company's website: The philosophy that guides My Gym’s programming and bre...

Schooling for Gold: a Parent Reflects on Singapore's First Olympic Gold Medallist

50.39 seconds. The (less than) one minute of time that made history for the small island nation of Singapore. Millions in Singapore and around the world watched as 21-year-old Joseph Schooling defeated his long-time idol and heavily-decorated Olympian Michael Phelps, the man described as "the most-decorated Olympian of all time". Indeed most of the international news footage had been previously focussed on Phelps, given that the American is expected to retire at this year's Rio Olympics. The New York Times even ran an article with the headline: " Somebody (His Name’s Joseph Schooling) Finally Beats Michael Phelps"! For Joseph Schooling, it could not have been a prouder moment, as he not only bagged Singapore's first and only Olympic Gold, it was also a race that proved he had not only matched, but also beaten his childhood idol. Indeed a 2008 photograph of 13-year-old Schooling standing side by side with Michael Phelps has been spreading like wildfire o...

Hong Kong for Kids: Our Dorsett Wanchai Experience

It was only a few months back when we had our lovely holiday experience in Hong Kong. We had then stayed in the Cosmopolitan Hotel, a lovely place located at the northern tip of Hong Kong island, near the world-famous Ocean Park. Most people have asked us why we chose Hong Kong as a destination for our kids given the island's reputation as more of a food and shopping paradise. We shared with them that there is actually more than meets the eye to this territory known affectionately as the "Pearl of the Orient".  The view from Stanley, one of our favourite spots in the beautiful city of Hong Kong. Rooms in Hong Kong are small, and we had a hard time looking for a place to stay that could meet the needs of our two very energetic children. We settled for the Cosmopolitan Hotel, given that it was one of the few hotels that had affordable prices for its Family Quad Room, a large room that could accommodate all four of us comfortably. We were pleasantly surprised when we r...

A Safe Space: Adventures in Fostering

Fostering challenges traditional notions of what a family is and what a family should be. At the end of the day, what is your idea of "family"? The younger child seemed a little troubled during bedtime. "Mummy..." he said. "Yes Darling," replied Mummy. "It will be very sad when R has to go home to the tummy mummy and daddy one day."  "Yes, Darling. It will be very sad." "But it's all up to God, right?" "Yes it is. You know that R's tummy mummy and daddy can't take care of any child right now? That's why R is with us." "Yes I know. R is with us just for awhile. Not like Kor Kor and I. The four of us are a forever family." "Yes we are. So how will you feel when R goes back to the tummy mummy and daddy?" "It will be sad, but it will be all right." The older child, who was a silent participant in the conversation, decided to speak at th...

The Father I Will Never Be

We recently went on a holiday to Fraser's Hill, one of the less-visited places in Malaysia. For Sue and I, this is a place that is filled with memories. It was, for her, a childhood oasis, a place where her family would visit year after year, and build many precious memories together. It was, for me, a special place where I visited with a band of dear brothers during our university days, and where we set a stake in the ground, to declare that we wanted to surrender all of our days to the glory of God. It was, for Sue and I, the location of our honeymoon, the place where we enjoyed our first few days of marital bliss; the place where we chiselled our marriage covenant and planned for our future as one.  This is how I remember Fraser's Hill. Shrouded in mist and somewhat mysterious; a grand legacy of days gone by. I remember my first visit there as a single young man, not yet a quarter of a century old, but yet imbued with the desire to be the best father I could be sho...

The Insecurities of a Homeschooling Dad

Social media can be very deceiving. We scroll through the news feeds of people we know (or of celebrity bloggers and content experts), and assume that they are living perfect lives. With every holiday photo they post, every food picture presented, or every insightful article they write, we slip into social media envy and  assume that our friends are enjoying the time of their lives. And many people assume that of me as well. They seem to think that I am living the dream life with a wonderful job and wonderful kids. And when I meet people at my various engagements, I seem to get the nod that I am the model citizen of social media society.  A recent holiday in Disneyland. After long queues under the hot sun, we were quite the "model" family! There is some truth to this. At this moment, I can say that there is no other job I would rather do; to be my own boss and to conduct training workshops for others, sometimes with my wife; what more could a man ask for? And my kids? T...

Parenting Your Child for Marriage

It's not often that the Father of the Bride gets to speak at a wedding. Oftentimes, the only words are in response to the question, "Who presents this woman to be married to this man?" In that instance, it is normally a mild-mannered man, one who shuns the attention of the moment, who barely manages to whisper out the refrain, "I do."  A precious photo of a very special couple.  This was completely not what happened at a wedding I was at almost three weeks ago. In response to that question, the Father of the Bride seemed to have an entire speech prepared for the Groom, "I present to you the key to my daughter's heart, " he declared. "I have protected her heart all her life until this point, and now I am handing over this responsibility to you." And with a firm voice, he presented this solemn reminder: "Remember that you will not be able to do this on your own, but only with God's help, and by spending time with Him daily....

Of Yellow Ribbons & Fathers for Life - the Legacy of Jason Wong

Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree It's been three long years Do ya still want me If I don't see a ribbon 'round the ole oak tree I'll stay on the bus Forget about us Put the blame on me If I don't see a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree The old folk song Tie A Yellow Ribbon is based on a delightful American story that tells of an ex-convict who returns home to his loved one after serving time in prison. Prior to his release, he had requested for her to tie a yellow ribbon around a tree outside of the town where she lived. And if there was no ribbon there, he would simply go on his way, understanding that she might never forgive him. However, when he passed by the tree, there were 100 yellow ribbons, symbolising that his sweetheart had forgiven him, and that he would be welcomed home. Learning to love and accept one another. The popular Yellow Ribbon Project is based on this premise. Founded in 2004 by Senior Prisons Of...