Parenting by Default

These past couple of weeks have been crazy for us. First there were the assignments that I had to complete for my postgraduate course, then there were the workshops that we were suddenly asked to conduct, and finally there were the bazaars that we attended to sell our online store items. It was an extremely busy season, and many of our working hours were occupied with meaningful things; that included taking care of our two little boys and managing both their learning and non-academic needs.

One morning, my older son came to me after I had just returned home from an early class. "Daddy," he said. "I'm so glad you're home. Can we go to the Gardens by the Bay?" he asked hopefully. With a sadness in my heart, I replied, "Sorry Z. Daddy has to go back to work later. Maybe after I come back? Oh. Actually Daddy and Mummy have an important meeting tomorrow and we need to prepare. I don't think we can go today. Er.... How about another day?" "OK," said the little boy as he walked away, almost as if he had his tail between his legs.

And I felt a deep sorrow in my heart; I felt as though I had failed him completely as a father.

One of the happier moments with our boys during this busy period.

Why do I work so hard? The answer seems obvious. I am living in the most expensive city in the world (according to the Economic Intelligence Unit). As such, I need to work hard to maintain a certain standard of living in order to match up with the rising cost of living. So I spend most of my waking hours engaged in work. I need to build up my business, I tell myself. Hopefully one day I would have earned a sufficient amount of money in order to spend more time with my children. Oh well, my kids will understand if I don't spend so much time with them now. There will be time later, I console myself. And so I live each day in autopilot mode, and even my parenting appears to be operated by default.

There is one small problem when you are parenting by default - our kids don't grow up by default! Yes, you can pacify the kid who presents you with his drawing, acknowledging his presence with a slight nod and a cursory look that screams, "Go away now. I'm busy and I don't have time for you and all your little unimportant things." Or you can farm out your playtime to the domestic helper, charging her to manage the menial task of ensuring that the kids are safe and entertained at the playground; of course not realising that your domestic helper is herself preoccupied with the hand phone that she takes out every time she is alone with the children.

I note that the above examples may be extreme, but I believe I am not presenting a fictional account of life in Singapore. On the contrary, these instances are so close to real life that they have jolted me back to reality. I have to tell myself that I do not want to ever become the parent in those scenarios; I don't ever want to parent by default. After all, that's the reason why we are working so hard in the first place! It would appear as circular logic if we were to say that we need to spend all our time working hard in order to earn enough money; especially if the primary purpose was to enjoy time with our kids. Yet so many Singaporeans buy into this fallacy. There was a recent tongue-in-cheek statement identifying a Singapore in the following way: "You know you are a Singaporean if you go to work before the sun goes up and leave office after the sun goes down."

Spending time with our kids in their play.

There are many people who do not become parents by choice; they get married and before they know it, they have a child. Yet there are many others who go the extra mile to ensure that they become a parent. Regardless of the circumstances through which you became a parent, you are never a parent by default. Yet many people end up parenting by default, simply because they do not choose to be intentional parents. That's the difference between parenting by default versus parenting by intent.

When you parent by intent you take the time to listen to the heart of your child. You notice which colours he chooses in his drawing, and then take the time to understand the reason for his choice. You listen to every detail of the long story that she tells you, and then painstakingly ask her questions to either draw out the details, or to help her develop her narrative. You turn to the little child whose general body language screams out to you that he or she had a tough day at school, and then connect to him or her in an empathetic manner, giving the child the physical and emotional space to be real with his or her emotions.

Parenting by intent means to allow kids the freedom to express themselves in drawing and other creative means.

Looking at my current season in life, I long for the times when I can set aside the busyness of my work, and spend time to connect with my children once again. I know that I need to work, for this brings financial security to my family; and as a man, my work is so much linked to my self esteem and my sense of identity. Yet a wise man once said, "There is a time for everything, and a season for everything under heaven." I have received a brief respite in this season of busyness, and I know that nothing would bring me more joy than to be able to listen to the heart of my children once again.

To my Dearest Sons:

Daddy longs to listen to you each time you present an account of how your day went. I love to listen to your stories of how you were the brave little boy David who conquered the mighty Goliath with your light sabre. I love to look at your beautiful paintings, to enjoy how you have chosen the cool colours of emerald green and turquoise to create a lovely forest landscape. I love to be your "Daddy-horsey", to piggyback you all around the house, and then to end off our adventures with a royal tumble on the bed, everyone rolling in deep laughter and bursting with tears of joy.

I know there will be times when Daddy will need to be busy at work. But I promise to always take time to listen to you; to put aside my computer and to simply share a smile with you. I will try my best to listen when there is a sadness in your voice, and to comfort you in a way that you understand. I ask for your forgiveness for the times when I was your parent by default. I know that I am only human, but with God as my help, I hope to be the parent that God intended for me to become.

I love you so much.

Love, Daddy.

Always loving you!

Comments

Malacca with the Kids: March 2015

Malacca has always been our go-to place for a short getaway. Most of the time, it's been without the kids. We love soaking in the ambience of Jonker Street and strolling by the river. Of course, the food never fails to draw us back to this laidback town with its sleepy atmosphere. The facade of Malacca has, however, changed over the years. Imposing mega malls loom over two-storey shophouses. I would probably have not brought the boys along as the streets are narrow and traffic seemingly never ebbing, but when I googled "Malacca for Kids" this time round, there were quite a few options for the kids to enjoy. Of course, the main reason why we decided to go was because we were attending my dearest cousin's wedding dinner. This brings back memories of how my cousins and I used to hang around at Chinese restaurants. We would be so thrilled to be on an actual stage... And our choice of accommodation was largely influenced by the water play area which our hot

Setting Up a Finnish School in the Home

The issue of private tuition has again come to the forefront after a senior education official pronounced in parliament that the Singapore education system is "run on the basis that tuition is not necessary". Ms Indranee Rajah, Senior Minister of State for Education, added that schools provide "comprehensive levelling-up programmes" as well as remedial and supplementary classes to support weaker students. In the days that followed, mainstream and social media agencies were abuzz with reports from parents and students alike, many of whom disagreed with Ms Indranee's assessment of the education scene. They argued that private tuition is already a multi-million dollar industry, and that its very existence disputes notions that tuition is unnecessary. From the perspective of an educator in Singapore, I can understand the comments made by the Senior Minister of State, especially since it is the responsibility of the Education Ministry to teach our school childre

"Monkeying Around": A Review of My Gym Singapore

Our 2/1/2-year old son E has always been an active child. When he was an infant, E would crawl around and get into all sorts of mischief, until one day when he discovered that he could climb on his poor Daddy, in an inspired moment of pretend play - Daddy was his mountain and he was Sir Edmund Hilary - the first person to scale Mt Everest! It was therefore with great excitement that we we heard that Parenting on Purpose had been invited by My Gym Singapore to participate in a series of four classes. We agreed at once; knowing that our little boy would thoroughly enjoy gym class - this was also a chance for our exuberant toddler to work off his energy and hopefully fall fast asleep after getting home. Our little son having a swing of a time at gym class. My Gym has an interesting educational philosophy that emphasises building self esteem in children. This is an excerpt from the company's website: The philosophy that guides My Gym’s programming and breakdown for clas

Schooling for Gold: a Parent Reflects on Singapore's First Olympic Gold Medallist

50.39 seconds. The (less than) one minute of time that made history for the small island nation of Singapore. Millions in Singapore and around the world watched as 21-year-old Joseph Schooling defeated his long-time idol and heavily-decorated Olympian Michael Phelps, the man described as "the most-decorated Olympian of all time". Indeed most of the international news footage had been previously focussed on Phelps, given that the American is expected to retire at this year's Rio Olympics. The New York Times even ran an article with the headline: " Somebody (His Name’s Joseph Schooling) Finally Beats Michael Phelps"! For Joseph Schooling, it could not have been a prouder moment, as he not only bagged Singapore's first and only Olympic Gold, it was also a race that proved he had not only matched, but also beaten his childhood idol. Indeed a 2008 photograph of 13-year-old Schooling standing side by side with Michael Phelps has been spreading like wildfire o

Hong Kong for Kids: Our Dorsett Wanchai Experience

It was only a few months back when we had our lovely holiday experience in Hong Kong. We had then stayed in the Cosmopolitan Hotel, a lovely place located at the northern tip of Hong Kong island, near the world-famous Ocean Park. Most people have asked us why we chose Hong Kong as a destination for our kids given the island's reputation as more of a food and shopping paradise. We shared with them that there is actually more than meets the eye to this territory known affectionately as the "Pearl of the Orient". The view from Stanley, one of our favourite spots in the beautiful city of Hong Kong. Rooms in Hong Kong are small, and we had a hard time looking for a place to stay that could meet the needs of our two very energetic children. We settled for the Cosmopolitan Hotel, given that it was one of the few hotels that had affordable prices for its Family Quad Room, a large room that could accommodate all four of us comfortably. We were pleasantly surprised when we r

A Safe Space: Adventures in Fostering

Fostering challenges traditional notions of what a family is and what a family should be. At the end of the day, what is your idea of "family"? The younger child seemed a little troubled during bedtime. "Mummy..." he said. "Yes Darling," replied Mummy. "It will be very sad when R has to go home to the tummy mummy and daddy one day." "Yes, Darling. It will be very sad." "But it's all up to God, right?" "Yes it is. You know that R's tummy mummy and daddy can't take care of any child right now? That's why R is with us." "Yes I know. R is with us just for awhile. Not like Kor Kor and I. The four of us are a forever family." "Yes we are. So how will you feel when R goes back to the tummy mummy and daddy?" "It will be sad, but it will be all right." The older child, who was a silent participant in the conversation, decided to speak at th

The Father I Will Never Be

We recently went on a holiday to Fraser's Hill, one of the less-visited places in Malaysia. For Sue and I, this is a place that is filled with memories. It was, for her, a childhood oasis, a place where her family would visit year after year, and build many precious memories together. It was, for me, a special place where I visited with a band of dear brothers during our university days, and where we set a stake in the ground, to declare that we wanted to surrender all of our days to the glory of God. It was, for Sue and I, the location of our honeymoon, the place where we enjoyed our first few days of marital bliss; the place where we chiselled our marriage covenant and planned for our future as one. This is how I remember Fraser's Hill. Shrouded in mist and somewhat mysterious; a grand legacy of days gone by. I remember my first visit there as a single young man, not yet a quarter of a century old, but yet imbued with the desire to be the best father I could be sho

The Insecurities of a Homeschooling Dad

Social media can be very deceiving. We scroll through the news feeds of people we know (or of celebrity bloggers and content experts), and assume that they are living perfect lives. With every holiday photo they post, every food picture presented, or every insightful article they write, we slip into social media envy and assume that our friends are enjoying the time of their lives. And many people assume that of me as well. They seem to think that I am living the dream life with a wonderful job and wonderful kids. And when I meet people at my various engagements, I seem to get the nod that I am the model citizen of social media society. A recent holiday in Disneyland. After long queues under the hot sun, we were quite the "model" family! There is some truth to this. At this moment, I can say that there is no other job I would rather do; to be my own boss and to conduct training workshops for others, sometimes with my wife; what more could a man ask for? And my kids? T

Parenting Your Child for Marriage

It's not often that the Father of the Bride gets to speak at a wedding. Oftentimes, the only words are in response to the question, "Who presents this woman to be married to this man?" In that instance, it is normally a mild-mannered man, one who shuns the attention of the moment, who barely manages to whisper out the refrain, "I do." A precious photo of a very special couple. This was completely not what happened at a wedding I was at almost three weeks ago. In response to that question, the Father of the Bride seemed to have an entire speech prepared for the Groom, "I present to you the key to my daughter's heart, " he declared. "I have protected her heart all her life until this point, and now I am handing over this responsibility to you." And with a firm voice, he presented this solemn reminder: "Remember that you will not be able to do this on your own, but only with God's help, and by spending time with Him daily.&

Running the Race of Shame

Every muscle in my body protested. Every inner voice in my being screamed from the recesses within. "Don't do it!" they yelled. "You will make a fool of yourself!" they taunted. "Why are you so stupid? Why do you want to prove to the whole world how stupid you are?" "You know that you are a colossal failure. Now you want everyone in the world to see what a loser you are?" It was deafening deep within. But I did what I could to ignore the deep shame and hurt that I felt from within. The voices of shame can be deafening even in the presence of an external quietness. "The next event will be the Parents' Race. Will Mark Lim please proceed to the reporting area?" This was it. There would be no turning back now. So I dragged myself to the starting line, and mingled with the other homeschool dads who all looked eager to race. "I haven't done any running since I was in National Service," I remark

Parenting on Purpose

Search This Blog