Skip to main content

The Safe Haven & the Alternative Caregiver

It is terribly hurtful when your 2/1/2-year-old proclaims "I don't want Daddy, I only want Mummy!" This may happen when you dispense a dose of discipline after a particularly bad tantrum, or when you insist on holding his hand to walk him through the car park, or even when you simply want to change him and he wriggles out of your hands. In public or in private, moments such as these could have a significant impact on your sense of self-worth; or you could even start questioning why you even wanted to be a father in the first place. 

"Fine. Have it your way. If you only want Mummy, then stop asking me for things. Go and ask her to help you. Don't ask me to play with you. If you don't want Daddy, then I don't want you."

That could be a possible response. But you know that deep inside you, it is something you will never say. How could you bring yourself to say something like that? It might be something you may feel, but as a father who loves his kids, it will be something you will never tell them. 
The 2yo enters a new stage of independence in his life.
I have been taking a postgraduate course in counselling and one of my modules has been on the study of human development. During the course of my studies I came across the work of Hungarian-born psychiatrist Margaret Mahler and her Separation-Individuation Theory. Mahler depicts seven phases in her theory of object relations, detailing the process from birth to the age of 6. The primary thrust of the theory is that our relationships to the "objects of our affections" determine the person that we become. In this light, human development can be understood from the process of separation-individuation from our primary objects of affection.

In Mahler's theory, children begin differentiating from their primary caregiver (this is the mother in most cases) as early as 4 months. But serious "practicing" only occurs from the age of 10 months, when infants begin to explore the world around them and develop an understanding of their own abilities. Despite such explorations, children inevitably return to their "safe haven" (the mother), where they find a sense of deep security. By the time the child turns 18 months, he or she would begin to develop some "bruises" from the explorations, resulting in a certain degree of ambivalence to the caregiver - this gives rise to mood swings and temper tantrums. The process continues until the age of 4-6 years, where there is an emergence of interpersonal systems and social groupings.

Studying Mahler has helped me understand the behaviour of E, who is now 32 months, and in the stage she has termed as "object constancy/consolidation". This means that E is in the process of struggling with issues such as "Can loving feelings and anger co-exist?" and "Can I be intimate and close and yet still be myself?" During these struggles, it is crucial that E finds security in his Mummy. It is crucial that E continues to find his "safe haven" in his Mummy.
In the arms of his "safe haven".
How then do fathers fit in Mahler's theory? Well, her research points to the importance of the father as an "alternative caretaker" to help the child separate from the mother. This implies that while the father does not serve as the primary "safe haven" for the child, he however assumes an important role in the absence of the mother. In fact Mahler stresses that by the time the child reaches the ages of 4 to 6, it becomes essential for the child to have both parents around. The child then begins to establish an identity separate from both parents. This eventually develops into a healthy interpersonal system which forms the bedrock of strong social relationships in the child's future.

I reflected on my own life and on my own support system during my early childhood years. Looking back, I know I developed somewhat securely due to the presence of my mother as a "safe haven" for me. However, after my parents' separation at the age of 3, I did not have my father as an "alternative caretaker" in my life. Instead, my paternal grandparents filled that vacuum in my life, and they were there for me during most of my childhood years. My world however turned upside down after my paternal grandmother died when I was 12. Looking back, I realise now that her role in my life had increased to become that of a "safe haven". I was therefore devastated when my beloved Mama, my "safe haven", passed away. Thus began six turbulent teenage years when I felt totally insecure and lost. It was only when I found my "safe haven" again at the age of 19, in the personhood of Jesus, that I regained my sense of balance once again.
My "safe haven" when I was young.
Children are such fragile creatures. No doubt there is much in-built in them for them to achieve a measure of greatness. However, for such children to blossom to achieve their fullest potential, it is of essence for them to be surrounded by loving parents - a mother who can be their "safe haven", and a father who serves as the "alternative caretaker".

While I know that my children constantly whine and look for their mother when they are feeling insecure, I take comfort in that when I take them out alone without their mother, both children are extremely obedient. We go for long walks, engage in long conversations, and generally have a fantastic time together. 
Precious father-son moments. 
Parenthood is a journey and we are only at the beginning. I know there will be a day when my sons will turn to me first to ask about the "guy" things of life. I know that I am their primary role model of what a father and husband should be. To me, that's all I need to know; for husband and wife need to work hand-in-hand in order to bring up secure and well-adjusted children. Sue and I - we make the best team for our children!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Malacca with the Kids: March 2015

Malacca has always been our go-to place for a short getaway. Most of the time, it's been without the kids. We love soaking in the ambience of Jonker Street and strolling by the river. Of course, the food never fails to draw us back to this laidback town with its sleepy atmosphere. The facade of Malacca has, however, changed over the years. Imposing mega malls loom over two-storey shophouses. I would probably have not brought the boys along as the streets are narrow and traffic seemingly never ebbing, but when I googled "Malacca for Kids" this time round, there were quite a few options for the kids to enjoy. Of course, the main reason why we decided to go was because we were attending my dearest  cousin's wedding dinner. This brings back memories of how my cousins and I used to hang around at Chinese restaurants. We would be so thrilled to be on an actual stage... And our choice of accommodation was largely influenced by the water play area which our hot

Setting Up a Finnish School in the Home

The issue of private tuition has again come to the forefront after a senior education official pronounced in parliament that the Singapore education system is "run on the basis that tuition is not necessary". Ms Indranee Rajah, Senior Minister of State for Education, added that schools provide "comprehensive levelling-up programmes" as well as remedial and supplementary classes to support weaker students. In the days that followed, mainstream and social media agencies were abuzz with reports from parents and students alike, many of whom disagreed with Ms Indranee's assessment of the education scene. They argued that private tuition is already a multi-million dollar industry, and that its very existence disputes notions that tuition is unnecessary. From the perspective of an educator in Singapore, I can understand the comments made by the Senior Minister of State, especially since it is the responsibility of the Education Ministry to teach our school childre

"Monkeying Around": A Review of My Gym Singapore

Our 2/1/2-year old son E has always been an active child. When he was an infant, E would crawl around and get into all sorts of mischief, until one day when he discovered that he could climb on  his poor Daddy, in an inspired moment of pretend play - Daddy was his mountain and he was Sir Edmund Hilary - the first person to scale Mt Everest! It was therefore with great excitement that we we heard that Parenting on Purpose had been invited by My Gym Singapore  to participate in a series of four classes. We agreed at once; knowing that our little boy would thoroughly enjoy gym class - this was also a chance for our exuberant toddler to work off his energy and hopefully fall fast asleep after getting home. Our little son having a swing of a time at gym class.  My Gym  has an interesting educational philosophy that emphasises building self esteem in children. This is an excerpt from the company's website: The philosophy that guides My Gym’s programming and breakdown for clas

Schooling for Gold: a Parent Reflects on Singapore's First Olympic Gold Medallist

50.39 seconds. The (less than) one minute of time that made history for the small island nation of Singapore. Millions in Singapore and around the world watched as 21-year-old Joseph Schooling defeated his long-time idol and heavily-decorated Olympian Michael Phelps, the man described as "the most-decorated Olympian of all time". Indeed most of the international news footage had been previously focussed on Phelps, given that the American is expected to retire at this year's Rio Olympics. The New York Times even ran an article with the headline: " Somebody (His Name’s Joseph Schooling) Finally Beats Michael Phelps"! For Joseph Schooling, it could not have been a prouder moment, as he not only bagged Singapore's first and only Olympic Gold, it was also a race that proved he had not only matched, but also beaten his childhood idol. Indeed a 2008 photograph of 13-year-old Schooling standing side by side with Michael Phelps has been spreading like wildfire o

Hong Kong for Kids: Our Dorsett Wanchai Experience

It was only a few months back when we had our lovely holiday experience in Hong Kong. We had then stayed in the Cosmopolitan Hotel, a lovely place located at the northern tip of Hong Kong island, near the world-famous Ocean Park. Most people have asked us why we chose Hong Kong as a destination for our kids given the island's reputation as more of a food and shopping paradise. We shared with them that there is actually more than meets the eye to this territory known affectionately as the "Pearl of the Orient".  The view from Stanley, one of our favourite spots in the beautiful city of Hong Kong. Rooms in Hong Kong are small, and we had a hard time looking for a place to stay that could meet the needs of our two very energetic children. We settled for the Cosmopolitan Hotel, given that it was one of the few hotels that had affordable prices for its Family Quad Room, a large room that could accommodate all four of us comfortably. We were pleasantly surprised when we r

A Safe Space: Adventures in Fostering

Fostering challenges traditional notions of what a family is and what a family should be. At the end of the day, what is your idea of "family"? The younger child seemed a little troubled during bedtime. "Mummy..." he said. "Yes Darling," replied Mummy. "It will be very sad when R has to go home to the tummy mummy and daddy one day."  "Yes, Darling. It will be very sad." "But it's all up to God, right?" "Yes it is. You know that R's tummy mummy and daddy can't take care of any child right now? That's why R is with us." "Yes I know. R is with us just for awhile. Not like Kor Kor and I. The four of us are a forever family." "Yes we are. So how will you feel when R goes back to the tummy mummy and daddy?" "It will be sad, but it will be all right." The older child, who was a silent participant in the conversation, decided to speak at th

The Father I Will Never Be

We recently went on a holiday to Fraser's Hill, one of the less-visited places in Malaysia. For Sue and I, this is a place that is filled with memories. It was, for her, a childhood oasis, a place where her family would visit year after year, and build many precious memories together. It was, for me, a special place where I visited with a band of dear brothers during our university days, and where we set a stake in the ground, to declare that we wanted to surrender all of our days to the glory of God. It was, for Sue and I, the location of our honeymoon, the place where we enjoyed our first few days of marital bliss; the place where we chiselled our marriage covenant and planned for our future as one.  This is how I remember Fraser's Hill. Shrouded in mist and somewhat mysterious; a grand legacy of days gone by. I remember my first visit there as a single young man, not yet a quarter of a century old, but yet imbued with the desire to be the best father I could be sho

The Insecurities of a Homeschooling Dad

Social media can be very deceiving. We scroll through the news feeds of people we know (or of celebrity bloggers and content experts), and assume that they are living perfect lives. With every holiday photo they post, every food picture presented, or every insightful article they write, we slip into social media envy and  assume that our friends are enjoying the time of their lives. And many people assume that of me as well. They seem to think that I am living the dream life with a wonderful job and wonderful kids. And when I meet people at my various engagements, I seem to get the nod that I am the model citizen of social media society.  A recent holiday in Disneyland. After long queues under the hot sun, we were quite the "model" family! There is some truth to this. At this moment, I can say that there is no other job I would rather do; to be my own boss and to conduct training workshops for others, sometimes with my wife; what more could a man ask for? And my kids? T

Parenting Your Child for Marriage

It's not often that the Father of the Bride gets to speak at a wedding. Oftentimes, the only words are in response to the question, "Who presents this woman to be married to this man?" In that instance, it is normally a mild-mannered man, one who shuns the attention of the moment, who barely manages to whisper out the refrain, "I do."  A precious photo of a very special couple.  This was completely not what happened at a wedding I was at almost three weeks ago. In response to that question, the Father of the Bride seemed to have an entire speech prepared for the Groom, "I present to you the key to my daughter's heart, " he declared. "I have protected her heart all her life until this point, and now I am handing over this responsibility to you." And with a firm voice, he presented this solemn reminder: "Remember that you will not be able to do this on your own, but only with God's help, and by spending time with Him daily.&

Running the Race of Shame

Every muscle in my body protested. Every inner voice in my being screamed from the recesses within. "Don't do it!" they yelled.   "You will make a fool of yourself!" they taunted. "Why are you so stupid? Why do you want to prove to the whole world how stupid you are?" "You know that you are a colossal failure. Now you want everyone in the world to see what a loser you are?" It was deafening deep within. But I did what I could to ignore the deep shame and hurt that I felt from within. The voices of shame can be deafening even in the presence of an external quietness. "The next event will be the Parents' Race. Will  Mark Lim please proceed to the reporting area?" This was it. There would be no turning back now.  So I dragged myself to the starting line, and mingled with the other homeschool dads who all looked eager to race. "I haven't done any running since I was in National Service," I remark