Edelweiss: Trauma & Resilience in Fostering

Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Every morning you greet me
Small and white, clean and bright
You look happy to meet me.

Blossom of snow, may you bloom and grow
Bloom and grow forever
Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Bless my homeland forever.

This is a song that I sing to my little foster girl on a regular basis. In many ways, the song has become a metaphor for little R - the small, pure and innocent girl who is oblivious to the cares of the world. It is also a metaphor of our relationship with R - each morning, as she wakes us up with her gentle cries for milk. Yet I see in her bright eyes the look of deep peace and contentment as we feed her; and the gurgling sounds and squeals of excitement when we engage in play with her tell us that she is deeply secure and happy in her attachment with us.

It's precious the moments we share with our little R!

But we know that little R will not remain with us forever. Unlike adopted children, who become "forever family", foster children remain but for a season in their lives. How short? How long? That's all up to the Courts to decide; and as foster parents we simply play the role of custodians for our foster kids, until the time the State decides that they be re-integrated with their birth parents.

People have asked if fostering is "worth it". After all, they say that the baby will never remember that you even took care of her. If one considers the genesis of memory in human development, this is probably true; should R return to her birth family before the age of 2, she will likely not remember that she once lived with us, or that we have been her foster parents. However, if one is to consider the impact that trauma has on an individual, the reality is that our foster child has been able to feel secure with us; and that has made a significant difference in her growth and development; something that has long-term consequences.

Secure and safe in our care. 

Dr Bruce Perry, is his book The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog, shares about how trauma has a long-term impact on the lives of children. He observes that trauma endured at a young age causes a repeated activation of a person's stress response system; and this affects brain functionality, causing long-term consequences such as brain dysfunction. 

Dr Perry notes that resilent children are made not born; and that through "moderate, predictable challenges", our stress response systems are activated "moderately". This makes for a "resilient, flexible stress response capacity". 

Children who are resilient develop a distinct sense of confidence and curiosity. 

Children do not become resilient when you throw them in the deep end and force them to develop acute stress responses that their bodies are not able to manage. Resilience is developed by continually challenging children in a systematic, patterned and predictable manner that causes them to develop moderate stress levels that are then managed appropriately by the body. Conversely, children exposed to trauma experience high levels of acute stress; and this causes their stress response system to go on an overdrive, affecting their neural system and causing the brain to become dysfunctional.

Dr Perry shares this interesting insight:

"The most traumatic aspects of all disasters involve the shattering of human connections. And this is especially true for children. Being harmed by the people who are supposed to love you, being abandoned by them, being robbed of the one-on-one relationships that allow you to feel safe and valued and to become humane—these are profoundly destructive experiences... As a result, recovery from trauma and neglect is also all about relationships—rebuilding trust, regaining confidence, returning to a sense of security and reconnecting to love."

It's all about relationships.

If we want to help our children build resilience, we need to build and strengthen our relationships with them.

In my counselling work with child clients who had encountered traumatic experiences in the hands of adults who were supposed to love them, I realised that I had to spend many sessions simply building up the therapeutic relationship with them. And that was even before any meaningful therapy work could begin. During my sessions, I had to allow my clients the space to control the therapeutic environment; allowing them to embark on roleplays that restored power back to them. For a child often feels powerless during an encounter that traumatises him or her; and in order to allow healing to occur, we have to restore power back to the child. 

A healing relationship allows the child to regain some semblance of what had been lost.

It's all about relationships! Our little boys truly love their little Mei Mei, and have been taking
care of her since she came to us.

When we foster, we open up our homes and our hearts to children who have had destructive experiences in their previous relationships. The initial incidence of trauma induces an acute stress response in the child. As the child does not have the capacity to manage the stress response in an appropriate manner, the brain adopts the most primitive stress response it knows - "fight", "flight" or "freeze". The response is imprinted on the brain, and the next time a similar situation occurs, the brain adopts a similar response. For instance a child who had been physically abused repeatedly in the past could have chosen to run away even though his body could not get away from the abuser. And many years later, when faced with the possibility of being disciplined for a negative behaviour, the child, now a teenager, chooses to run away from home.

Children develop a primitive stress response as a means to resolve a difficult situation.

For many older children, the stress response could manifest in the form of temper tantrums and behaviour that appears dissonant to us; often expressed as anger, depression or anxiety. Foster parents may not be fully aware of the initial incidence of trauma, and are as such not as equip to deal with these patterned stress responses.

In our case, little R first came to us at 3 months. While many people might think that a child of that age would not have any traumatic experience, this was not the case. I would venture to argue that all children who are in the fostering system would have experienced trauma to a certain extent. As for little R, she trembled whenever there was a loud sound such as the banging of a door or the raising of a voice. She would also startle often in her cot even though she was asleep, waking up at the slightest movement or loud sound in the distant background. Today, she no longer trembles or startles as she used to do. 

We believe the change in her behaviour resulted from us having to comfort her repeartedly in the cot; sometimes placing our hands on her to reassure her that we are there. Morever, little R has had many encounters with our family members and friends, who have lavishly showered love on her. 

Hanging out with her cousins during Christmas. R has a close community of people
who love her very much.

It is our opinion that the reason why our foster child was able to deal with the initial traumatic responses was due to her developing a strong sense of attachment to us; as well as building trust and drawing confidence from the many nurturing relationships around her. 

The edelweiss is a very rare flower. It only blooms between August and September, on a rocky mountain terrain with little sunlight. But it is a very resilient flower, able to handle extreme temperatures and altitute changes. Rodgers and Hammerstein, in composing the song Edelweiss for their musical hit The Sound of Music, intended for the song to represent a pure Austrian nobility of spirit and a deep strength of character in the face of war and the harshness of Nazi brutality. I believe that our foster children are like these white flowers, pure and innocent, and imbued with a deep resilience. But we, as foster parents, have to provide the nurturing relationships and support systems that will form a healing community for the child, helping the child deal with the traumatic instances of his or her life, and developing a strong resilience that will persist long after the child returns to the birth family.

Loved deeply by her Kor Kors, who clamour for the opportunity to take care of her.