Skip to main content

To Have and to Hold: A Closer Look at the Wedding Vows

December 29, 2007. On that day, 15 years ago, I made the following vow:

"I Mark Lim, take you, Sue Tan, to be my lawful wedded wife. To have and to hold from this day forward. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. According to God's holy ordinances, and here thereto, I pledge you my faithfulness."

When I made my marriage vows 15 years ago, I didn't fully understand every aspect of these words. Well, I definitely believed in everything I said, and I was determined to keep those vows, but I didn't fully appreciate the depth of the promises made. Over the past month, I've been reflecting about what these words mean, and I've taken the time to pen down my thoughts.

Batam, Indonesia, December 2022. Celebrating our 15th year together. There have been so many ups and downs all these years; and we give thanks to God for keeping us close through it all.
To have and to hold.

What exactly does this phrase mean?

According to the Oxford Languages dictionary, "to have" means "to possess" or "to experience", among a string of other definitions. It means that my wife belongs to me, and I belong to her. It means that we experience all of life together; both bitter as well as sweet.

Marriage is not always easy; and there have been many hard times. But there have also been many wonderful moments. The wedding vow is a reminder to me, during the difficult moments, that I have made a promise to stay the course. It is a reminder for me that I need to cling to her even tighter; and for us to weather the storms together.

"To hold" - this means "to support", "to carry", and one interesting definition describes it as "to remain secure, intact, or in position without breaking or giving way".

I am reminded that I need to be a source of security for my wife; to remain intact and in position without giving way. There is also the notion of "holding space", made especially popular during the Covid years, with the idea of being an emotional anchor for someone in need of support.

I know that it's not always easy for me to remain secure; given my personal frailties and weaknesses, and how I can sometimes not be there for her when she truly needs me. Yet it is something I know I can and I want to grow in, with God as my strength.

I am again reminded that without God, it is impossible to keep my vows. I need Him more and more each day.

Frasers' Hill, Malaysia, December 2022. This is an important place for both of us, and we had many precious moments here both separately and together. In life, we need to hold on tight and support each other in order for there to be stability in the marriage.
For better, for worse.

I remember the day I first made this vow. I was then looking at my wife in eager anticipation. I had been waiting for that day for a long time, and I was finally going to be married. Additionally, I had memorised my vows, so I was saying them slowly and carefully.

Yet I would never know what it would mean to promise to love and cherish my wife for better or for worse.

Things have indeed been wonderful for the two of us since we got married. We watched the K-Drama 18 Again, and told each other how glad we were that we were no longer living in our teenage years, with all its inherent awkwardness and confusion about who to like and how to chase the person of our dreams.

Sue and I have had many happy moments travelling the world together, and we have two wonderful children whom we love so dearly. Life is good.

But there have been terrible moments too; like when we struggled with starting a family, and when we engage in intense verbal battles.

We know we have made a promise to each other, before God. And so we choose to love each other regardless of whether times are good or whether they are bad.

It's easy to choose to love when times are good. But it's not so easy when things seem bad. Yet if we made the choice to stay the course from the very beginning, and persevered in our decision, we would then have the courage to keep on going, and to stand firm in our decision.

Life is not a linear experience. If we want a strong marriage, we need to make that decision from the very beginning, come what may. We need to give thanks when times are good; to build a memory bank of such precious experiences. And we need to choose to look to God when times are bad; remembering how He has always provided for us; with the certainty that He will always be there for us.

For better or for worse.

Korea, June 2010. We love to travel the world together. This was taken during a period of sadness as we both dealt with the emotions associated with why we could not have a biological child. A month later, our older son Z was born, and our lives were changed forever,
For richer, for poorer.

Finances are a major stressor in any marriage, and many quarrels are a result of difficulties related to family finances. When we pledge to marry our spouse for richer or poorer, we are saying we choose to love the other person regardless of their financial situation.

Young couples assume they can survive on "love and fresh air" alone, but in reality bills still need to be paid, loans need to be settled, and money needs to be spent to put food on the table. So money is an important aspect of the marriage. However, when money matters become the preoccupation of the couple, this may not be the healthiest

I don't think I will ever be a rich man. Since I quit my full-time job and set up my own company 9 years ago, things have not quite been the same in terms of financial security. And just when things seemed to get back on track, everything came to a standstill - that was of course a result of Covid, and our finances took a nosedive, just like it did for many other people.

I am thankful that my wife has stood by me through it all. Yes, we have had our disagreements, but I know that at the end of the day we will stand together. After all, it's not about how rich you are - rich couples are just as equally prone to divorce as poor couples. In actuality, it's about our disposition towards money. If we perceive money to be the most important aspect of our life, we will live with that in focus. However, if money is seen to be just one component of our lives, then we will live with that perspective in mind. For at the end of the day, it is not money that is the root of all evil; it is the love of money that leads us to that outcome.

I may not be rich in terms of finances. But I know that I am extremely wealthy in the love of my family. I love my wife and children, and they love me. All of us love God; we love the people who are in need. We love our friends; they love us. There is really nothing I need more. For I am rich beyond the material, and I know I am blessed beyond measure.

And I give thanks through it all.



Sue and I conduct many workshops together, This was a panel discussion on fostering and adoption at the College of Alice and Peter Tan in October 2022, where we shared with the students about what it means to care for the children who come from vulnerable families.
In sickness and in health.

When I think of the phrase "in sickness and in health", I will always remember Sue's grandaunt, Tan Lian Neo, our Ee Poh, known affectionately by many as "Aunty Lian". She was a grand old dame who lived past the age of 100, and she was an inspiration to many around her.

I first got to know Ee Poh at the age of around 90. I remembered her determination to love others by praying for them. She was truly a woman of faith, who spent much of her life in prayer and in worship of God. As Sue shared during the eulogy, "Ee Poh went out to the highways and byways to minister God’s healing to people for as long as was able; and even when she could not venture out as much, she ministered to them through her faithful prayers."

Yet her life was not always easy. Ee Poh shared with us that she had to care for her sick husband for many years, personally attending to most of his needs, and dutifully caring for him even during the times when he was disagreeable. Yet she did all this with a quiet devotion. And she never complained. That's because she was a woman who loved God deeply, and she strongly believed that the wedding vows of loving her spouse "in sickness and in health" meant to care for him even when his health was wanting, and when this was not the easiest thing for her to do.

Ee Poh was a woman who was faithful to God to the end; and I believe her desire to love her husband come what may, was an extension of the deep love that she had for God. It was hard, but she stuck to her wedding vows, and she kept the faith.

What does it mean for me to love my wife "in sickness and in health"? The first thing that comes to my mind was the time before we had children. It was an awful time, and we spent many moments in tears because we knew that we could not give birth in a natural manner. But we were able to hold on tight to each other, and to support one another during that difficult time. Today we have two lovely children, and we give thanks to God for providing them to us. Each of them is an answered prayer and a miracle of life. Indeed we would have it no other way.

Our family is currently living in a sweet spot. But what does the future hold for us? We really have no idea. I know I will choose to love my wife regardless of what happens. But conversely, I too need to take care of my health so that I will not be a burden to her. This has been an area of challenge for me, and I know I am not the most physically fit person. So this is definitely one thing that I want to grow in.

At the end of the day it's about being faithful to the promises that we made on that special day 15 years ago. And we know we can't do it through our own strength, but only through the grace of God.


Jeju, Korea, 2013. We love Korea and miss our travels there. Cherishing the time together now when we can still travel together.
Till death do us part.

This is the part of the wedding vow that makes me the most sad. It speaks of a day, hopefully not too soon, when I will part with my dear wife. Looking at our 15 years of marriage, I cannot imagine anything as awful as this, when the end of this life comes for either one of us.

We have talked about it, and even said that if anything was to happen, for the other spouse to grieve, but after that to move on and to seek their own happiness. Yes, death is a certainty for everyone. As long as we live, we will die. That is an eventuality. But we cannot imagine such a day happening, because we love each other so much, and a life apart from the other is completely unthinkable.

Yet the certainty of death brings solace to us when we make our wedding vow. For we know that we have promised to be with each other for the rest of our earthly life. It is a promise that was not made lightly; and we will give thanks for each day we are alive and together.

As believers in Christ, there is an additional avenue of hope. Death in this life is only one part of our journey. Life continues even after we experience death in our physical bodies, and this brings us the comfort that we will see each other again after our life on earth is ended. Indeed I give thanks that both of us love God so much, and that we have an eternal hope in our Creator and Saviour.

And this life will be forever.

Busan, Korea, 2013. One of our favourite family photoshoots, taken during the heart of winter. We know that we are truly blessed!


God's Holy Ordinances.

"I Mark Lim, take you, Sue Tan, to be my lawful wedded wife. To have and to hold from this day forward. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. According to God's holy ordinances, and here thereto, I pledge you my faithfulness."

The Merriam Webster defines "ordinance" as an "authoritative decree or direction". Sue and I love God very much; and we believe that He is the primary authority in our lives. As such, the wedding vow was a pledge that we made to each other according to God's sacred authoritative decree. This means that the vows, once made, are binding in the eyes of God.

There is another aspect to this part of the wedding vow. When we pledge to be faithful to our spouse, it is a direct command from God. This brings us comfort; especially as it means that the entire act of committing ourselves to marriage is sanctioned by God.

In the army, when an officer issues a direct order to his or her soldiers, they proceed under the authority and protection of the officer. This means that if the soldiers run into any problems, that the officer is there to protect them and to keep them safe. The soldiers do the bidding of the commanding officer despite having no power in and of themselves.

In a similar vein, God is our Commanding Officer. If He issues a holy and authoritative command, He will be there to protect us and to help see us through. We will be relying on the power and authority that we do not have in and of ourselves.

Marriage is like this. In and of ourselves, we will be unable to keep our vows. Statistics alone will tell us that. It's only because we have the power of God to see us through our marriage; that's why we are able to keep all our promises and remain faithful to each other.

We love because He first loved us; we love because we can rest secure on His power and authority.

The day we became husband and wife, 29 December 2007. I will always remember that day so clearly in my memory. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Malacca with the Kids: March 2015

Malacca has always been our go-to place for a short getaway. Most of the time, it's been without the kids. We love soaking in the ambience of Jonker Street and strolling by the river. Of course, the food never fails to draw us back to this laidback town with its sleepy atmosphere. The facade of Malacca has, however, changed over the years. Imposing mega malls loom over two-storey shophouses. I would probably have not brought the boys along as the streets are narrow and traffic seemingly never ebbing, but when I googled "Malacca for Kids" this time round, there were quite a few options for the kids to enjoy. Of course, the main reason why we decided to go was because we were attending my dearest  cousin's wedding dinner. This brings back memories of how my cousins and I used to hang around at Chinese restaurants. We would be so thrilled to be on an actual stage... And our choice of accommodation was largely influenced by the water play area wh...
1 comment
Read more

Setting Up a Finnish School in the Home

The issue of private tuition has again come to the forefront after a senior education official pronounced in parliament that the Singapore education system is "run on the basis that tuition is not necessary". Ms Indranee Rajah, Senior Minister of State for Education, added that schools provide "comprehensive levelling-up programmes" as well as remedial and supplementary classes to support weaker students. In the days that followed, mainstream and social media agencies were abuzz with reports from parents and students alike, many of whom disagreed with Ms Indranee's assessment of the education scene. They argued that private tuition is already a multi-million dollar industry, and that its very existence disputes notions that tuition is unnecessary. From the perspective of an educator in Singapore, I can understand the comments made by the Senior Minister of State, especially since it is the responsibility of the Education Ministry to teach our school childre...
9 comments
Read more

"Monkeying Around": A Review of My Gym Singapore

Our 2/1/2-year old son E has always been an active child. When he was an infant, E would crawl around and get into all sorts of mischief, until one day when he discovered that he could climb on  his poor Daddy, in an inspired moment of pretend play - Daddy was his mountain and he was Sir Edmund Hilary - the first person to scale Mt Everest! It was therefore with great excitement that we we heard that Parenting on Purpose had been invited by My Gym Singapore  to participate in a series of four classes. We agreed at once; knowing that our little boy would thoroughly enjoy gym class - this was also a chance for our exuberant toddler to work off his energy and hopefully fall fast asleep after getting home. Our little son having a swing of a time at gym class.  My Gym  has an interesting educational philosophy that emphasises building self esteem in children. This is an excerpt from the company's website: The philosophy that guides My Gym’s programming and bre...
3 comments
Read more

Schooling for Gold: a Parent Reflects on Singapore's First Olympic Gold Medallist

50.39 seconds. The (less than) one minute of time that made history for the small island nation of Singapore. Millions in Singapore and around the world watched as 21-year-old Joseph Schooling defeated his long-time idol and heavily-decorated Olympian Michael Phelps, the man described as "the most-decorated Olympian of all time". Indeed most of the international news footage had been previously focussed on Phelps, given that the American is expected to retire at this year's Rio Olympics. The New York Times even ran an article with the headline: " Somebody (His Name’s Joseph Schooling) Finally Beats Michael Phelps"! For Joseph Schooling, it could not have been a prouder moment, as he not only bagged Singapore's first and only Olympic Gold, it was also a race that proved he had not only matched, but also beaten his childhood idol. Indeed a 2008 photograph of 13-year-old Schooling standing side by side with Michael Phelps has been spreading like wildfire o...
1 comment
Read more

Hong Kong for Kids: Our Dorsett Wanchai Experience

It was only a few months back when we had our lovely holiday experience in Hong Kong. We had then stayed in the Cosmopolitan Hotel, a lovely place located at the northern tip of Hong Kong island, near the world-famous Ocean Park. Most people have asked us why we chose Hong Kong as a destination for our kids given the island's reputation as more of a food and shopping paradise. We shared with them that there is actually more than meets the eye to this territory known affectionately as the "Pearl of the Orient".  The view from Stanley, one of our favourite spots in the beautiful city of Hong Kong. Rooms in Hong Kong are small, and we had a hard time looking for a place to stay that could meet the needs of our two very energetic children. We settled for the Cosmopolitan Hotel, given that it was one of the few hotels that had affordable prices for its Family Quad Room, a large room that could accommodate all four of us comfortably. We were pleasantly surprised when we r...
11 comments
Read more

A Safe Space: Adventures in Fostering

Fostering challenges traditional notions of what a family is and what a family should be. At the end of the day, what is your idea of "family"? The younger child seemed a little troubled during bedtime. "Mummy..." he said. "Yes Darling," replied Mummy. "It will be very sad when R has to go home to the tummy mummy and daddy one day."  "Yes, Darling. It will be very sad." "But it's all up to God, right?" "Yes it is. You know that R's tummy mummy and daddy can't take care of any child right now? That's why R is with us." "Yes I know. R is with us just for awhile. Not like Kor Kor and I. The four of us are a forever family." "Yes we are. So how will you feel when R goes back to the tummy mummy and daddy?" "It will be sad, but it will be all right." The older child, who was a silent participant in the conversation, decided to speak at th...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Father I Will Never Be

We recently went on a holiday to Fraser's Hill, one of the less-visited places in Malaysia. For Sue and I, this is a place that is filled with memories. It was, for her, a childhood oasis, a place where her family would visit year after year, and build many precious memories together. It was, for me, a special place where I visited with a band of dear brothers during our university days, and where we set a stake in the ground, to declare that we wanted to surrender all of our days to the glory of God. It was, for Sue and I, the location of our honeymoon, the place where we enjoyed our first few days of marital bliss; the place where we chiselled our marriage covenant and planned for our future as one.  This is how I remember Fraser's Hill. Shrouded in mist and somewhat mysterious; a grand legacy of days gone by. I remember my first visit there as a single young man, not yet a quarter of a century old, but yet imbued with the desire to be the best father I could be sho...
2 comments
Read more

The Insecurities of a Homeschooling Dad

Social media can be very deceiving. We scroll through the news feeds of people we know (or of celebrity bloggers and content experts), and assume that they are living perfect lives. With every holiday photo they post, every food picture presented, or every insightful article they write, we slip into social media envy and  assume that our friends are enjoying the time of their lives. And many people assume that of me as well. They seem to think that I am living the dream life with a wonderful job and wonderful kids. And when I meet people at my various engagements, I seem to get the nod that I am the model citizen of social media society.  A recent holiday in Disneyland. After long queues under the hot sun, we were quite the "model" family! There is some truth to this. At this moment, I can say that there is no other job I would rather do; to be my own boss and to conduct training workshops for others, sometimes with my wife; what more could a man ask for? And my kids? T...
2 comments
Read more

Parenting Your Child for Marriage

It's not often that the Father of the Bride gets to speak at a wedding. Oftentimes, the only words are in response to the question, "Who presents this woman to be married to this man?" In that instance, it is normally a mild-mannered man, one who shuns the attention of the moment, who barely manages to whisper out the refrain, "I do."  A precious photo of a very special couple.  This was completely not what happened at a wedding I was at almost three weeks ago. In response to that question, the Father of the Bride seemed to have an entire speech prepared for the Groom, "I present to you the key to my daughter's heart, " he declared. "I have protected her heart all her life until this point, and now I am handing over this responsibility to you." And with a firm voice, he presented this solemn reminder: "Remember that you will not be able to do this on your own, but only with God's help, and by spending time with Him daily....
Post a Comment
Read more

Of Yellow Ribbons & Fathers for Life - the Legacy of Jason Wong

Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree It's been three long years Do ya still want me If I don't see a ribbon 'round the ole oak tree I'll stay on the bus Forget about us Put the blame on me If I don't see a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree The old folk song Tie A Yellow Ribbon is based on a delightful American story that tells of an ex-convict who returns home to his loved one after serving time in prison. Prior to his release, he had requested for her to tie a yellow ribbon around a tree outside of the town where she lived. And if there was no ribbon there, he would simply go on his way, understanding that she might never forgive him. However, when he passed by the tree, there were 100 yellow ribbons, symbolising that his sweetheart had forgiven him, and that he would be welcomed home. Learning to love and accept one another. The popular Yellow Ribbon Project is based on this premise. Founded in 2004 by Senior Prisons Of...
Post a Comment
Read more