Trauma & Healing - Lessons from Fostering

"Do you think B has trauma?"

The 11/1/2-year-old chose the long ride home from the Lunar New Year Reunion Dinner to ask this important and quintessential question, which was made in relation to the older foster child.

"Definitely," came the reply from Daddy, as he drove the car.

One for the road. Our foster kids for the season as they join us on a ride of a lifetime.

"What exactly is trauma?" came the follow up question; and Daddy all but took a deep breath, before he launched into the following reply.

"Trauma is when the body remembers something painful that happened in the past; when it responds in a way similar to how it did in the past, even though the event is no longer happening. So take for example someone in the past used a knife to threaten you and you responded in fear. And because you were young, your brain blocked out this painful memory in a bid to protect you. So even now when you see a knife, your body starts to tremble in a similar way to how you did so in the past. That's trauma."

A snapshot of our kids in February 2024. We are thankful that the two older kids love their foster siblings and care for them on a day to day basis.

E acknowledged the response, even as he seemed to be deep in thought.

"Is there a reason why you're asking this?"

Mummy's question provided the context regarding where this conversation was headed.

"I'm asking this as I notice that whenever we leave the room, B starts crying. It's almost as if he thinks we're not coming back. I think that's because he has trauma."

"You are right," responded Daddy. "It's possibly because he has some trauma-related issue, and that's why his body is reacting in this way."

"That's why when I leave the room, I tell him that I will come back." Mummy explained, with a warmness of tone.

'Yes. I do the same. When I go to the toilet and close the door, I tell him to wait, and I tell him that I will come out and be with him soon." E's reply was both kind and nurturing. "I want him to know and I will come back and not leave him."

"That's so important and precious," declared Daddy.

"Do you know that when you and your brother help to foster, both of you provide healing to the trauma experienced by the foster kids?" Mummy took her time to affirm the boys, both of whom were our fellow adventurers in the fostering journey, and without whom we would be unable to cope with the demands of fostering. "We're so very proud of both of you!"

Indeed the fostering journey has not always been easy, and we were thankful that both of the boys were fully committed to the process. They not only took care of B, who was now almost 3, but also baby W, who came to become part of our family just a month so ago, at the age of almost-3 months.

Little W came to stay with us about a month ago. Today, at 4 months, she is our "Little Ms Sunshine", always smiling, and very much a girl with a sunny disposition.

"So does W also suffer from trauma?" asked E. "Since she's still so young."

"Definitely, " replied Daddy. "Babies can suffer from trauma too."

"Is that why sometimes she's crying and then stops when Mummy picks her up and comforts her?"

"Yes E. You're absolutely right. We're helping her to learn what is the meaning of secure attachment," explained Daddy. "It's that way for W, for B, and it was the same for J & K, and R."

"That's why we foster," Mummy elaborated. "So children can learn what is healthy attachment, and that will help them heal the trauma they have experienced. Both of you play such an important role in helping all our foster kids feel safe.

Fostering has been a crazy journey for all of us. Nobody would have known that when we started on this path in 2018, that we would still be doing this 6 years later. And we would have it no other way; each life who has come into our home has been precious, and we are glad that we are able to be a safe space for each of these children, in order for us to become a healing home for each of them.

Conversations. B has become a sweet older foster brother to W. He tries to bring her a bib when she's feeding, and offers her a toy if he notices that she is crying. Truly a picture of love.

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