Treating Trauma in Fostering - The Importance of Emotive Connections

It was a Sunday after lunch. The little boy was rolling around on the floor. He had called for Daddy, Mummy, the Kor Kors; "Help me!" he hollered. Before that, the almost 3-year-old had thrown off his shoes in protest. And all because he wasn't allowed to eat a piece of candy that had been given to him by a stranger.

And it was not the only time a situation like this had taken place. A few days later, during a public talk, our little foster child was rolling around on the floor; he had insisted on a biscuit, and was upset when told he had too many and wasn't allowed to have any more.

What do you do with a 3-year-old who seems to turn to tantrums and public outcries to get what he wants? 

The Lims - A Fostering Family.

I recently completed a course on trauma by the US-based National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM), and I have realised that B's actions are mostly a trauma response; that he is responding in this manner because of negative experiences that took place in the past, before he entered foster care. In a sense, B's body has remembered some of the difficult memories of the past, and he is behaving in a way that he believes would enable him to get the help he needs. 

Many foster kids are traumatised by experiences from their family of origin. Some of them may have been abused or neglected, or others may have witnessed violence being inflicted on their parents by each other. Because the child's brain cannot comprehend some of these difficult occurrences, brain chemicals trigger a response - what is commonly known as the "Fight", "Flight" or "Freeze" responses. 

These are stress responses which originate in the amygdala, a part of the brain that is fully formed at birth, but takes years to develop. And because this part of the brain was formed at such an early age, the responses tend to be very "primitive". For instance, the "Fight" response is akin to an animal such as a wildebeast encountering a lion, with the immediate response to fight the predator. While the "Flight" response is akin to the prey recognising that there is no way to win, and thus turning tail and running. As for the "Freeze" response, it is like a deer caught in the headlights, a prey that completely stops in its tracks when it encounters danger.

B has been learning to read independently, something that had to be cultivated over time.

But from what I have learnt in my NICABM course, recent research has uncovered three other trauma-based responses - the "Attach/Cry for Help", "Collapse/Submit" and "Please/Appease" responses.

The "Please/Appease" response was developed to avoid the other person's "Fight" response. In this case, the individual pre-empts what other people want, and subsequently behaves in a way to please them in order to stave off abuse or mistreatment. This is often seen in cases of child abuse and partner abuse.

As for the "Collapse/Submit" response, the individual feels that circumstances are inescapable, and they thus enter into a state of learnt helplessness, almost appearing to be engaging in "automatic robotic obedience".

The "Attach/Cry for Help" response is an attempt at the individual to co-regulate his or her emotions. There is a perception of desperation, and therefore the person attempts to seek help from every possible avenue. He or she may cling to caregivers and refuse to let them go, behaving "child-like" or helpless.

B is learning to play on his own, something that did not come naturally to him when he first came to us at 14-months.

During the course of my learning, I realised that B was responding in a similar manner to what was described in the "Attach/Cry for Help" response. He was particularly clingy to everyone in the family, crying whenever any of us left the house. He also attempted to reach out to every possible stranger, getting them to do the things that he desired, such as giving him a free portion of ice cream or candy or mango lassi. And when he was asked to do things that he did not want to do, he would smile and appear to be helpless, hoping that the task would be done for him.

With that in mind, I proceeded to try out some of the therapeutic approaches suggested in the course: 

1) Stay calm. You need to be grounded to break the cycle of negativity in the brain.

2) Set loving boundaries; to be warm in my demeanour, yet firm in my stance. 

3) Connect with emotions via non-verbal communication.

4) Do not ignore the negative behaviour, and do not do the work for him.

And I had the opportunity to try this out on another occasion, when the foster child had thrown off his shoes, was rolling around on the floor, and was refusing to come home with us.

I first lifted him off the ground gently, and set him face to face with me; and then with my left hand resting firmly on his right shoulder and my right hand holding his left hand gently, I proceeded with the following speech: "B, I do not like that you threw your shoes and are rolling around on the floor. That behaviour is unacceptable. Do you understand this?"

The little boy nodded and his eyes seemed to look down to the ground. 

"B, you know that Daddy and Mummy love you, and that we will be here when you need us right?"

Nods.

"I love you, B," I said as I squeezed his hand affectionately and patted him on his shoulder.

"Ok. now go and put on your shoes and let's go home. Please don't do this again."

The boy nodded, stopped crying, and proceeded to wear his shoes.

B has grown to become a very good-natured and helpful child. He loves helping us to tasks such as carrying things and also taking care of the younger foster baby.

I have repeated this process on numerous occasions; during meltdowns and tantrums in eateries, and during other times when he was refusing to do tasks such as to eat his food or to wear his shoes. 

Trauma therapy is hard work; especially if the "client" you're working on is your child. But the work can be less tiring if it's shared by the whole family. And you know that everyone's on the same page when you notice your younger son placing his hand on the 3-year-old's shoulder.

"B, it's not acceptable to throw your shoes. I know you want to stay here longer but we need to go. Do you understand that? Now go pick up your shoes."

And just yesterday evening, I witnessed the 11/1/2-year-old placing a hand on the foster child just before bedtime, when the kid was about to burst into tears before entering his room.

"B, I know you're scared about going to sleep in the dark alone. But Daddy and Mummy and your Kor Kors are outside here if you need us. You don't have to be afraid."

Fostering is about healing. Every member of a fostering family is crucial to the healing process.

We are a fostering family. There are the regular challenges of caring for both a 3-year-old and a 5-month-old; in addition to the added issue of trauma, which accompanies all fostering placements. As such, we know that without the help of our two forever children, we wouldn't have been able to travel far in our fostering journey.

Trauma results in social disengagement and societal disconnect. Conversely, when we want to heal the trauma, we need to focus on connection. Healing is about building an emotive connection to help the person feel safe once again. And that's what fostering is about - we build a safe and secure environment for the foster kids. We help them process and deal with their past hurts; allowing their bodies to recover from the stresses of the past, and to develop positive new responses. 

When we choose to foster a child, we choose to love the child unconditionally - as much as it is humanly possible. For at the end of the day, we want the child to develop in a holistic manner, to thrive in a world where things may not always be certain, and to feel secure when things are not always safe.